Wanting

I dreamed of Camden the other night. And then I cried.

Today is going to be one of those days. Filled with wanting and missed opportunities. Tears threatening to brim over if I lose control. It comes on suddenly and without warning. It starts with a bit of longing. Longing for second chances, longing for another sweet spirit to bless our home, longing for the boy who left us. Longing for the happiness that others know.

It starts with longing and wanting and then can quickly turn to self-pity if I am not careful. Sometimes I indulge and then quickly remind myself that there is a plan. I am part of it. Camden is part of it and Heavenly Father designed it. He knows of my longing, my wanting and my suffering. He knows.

I have two friends who recently lost their baby girls. The injustice is palpable and their grief all too familiar. One likened the experience as being in an elite club, surely one you never want to be in. As I have grieved with them I have the experience of knowing it gets better, daily life gets easier and time dulls the ache. But it never goes away.

I dream of other children waiting to come to us. And I wish I knew when they would come and by what means. That is where faith comes in. Faith, endurance and patience. Oh, sweet patience! I need more constantly. Maybe my test is to see how long I can hold out. I wonder that myself. How much longer?

I am trying to be positive. Envisioning myself as a mother, holding my babies, willing this dream to come to fruition. It will come. I know it.

But when? I have no choice but to keep waiting.

Self-Portrait

Yesterday I laced on my running shoes, secured my hair, strapped on my music and headed out the door for my surprising & increasingly regular date with the asphalt. It had rained earlier this morning and the cool overcast weather was perfection. I gingerly started to warm up as my thighs were still in shock from the squats and lunges I inflicted on them Tuesday morning. As I reached the corner it started to sprinkle.

I briefly contemplated returning home as exercise and I are still trying to be friends but decided to forge ahead as it just a sprinkle. I quickened my pace and turned up the tunes. Beyonce encouraged me on, telling me "I'm a survivor, I'm not gon give up, I'm not gon stop, I'm gon work harder".

So I did. I picked up the pace, I worked harder. As did the rain.

I relayed my day to Phil when I got home from work and he guessed that I turned around and came home as the rain continued to come. But I am proud to say I finished my run and found that I am waterproof. Although my shoes and mp3 player would beg to differ.

Sledding

We went sledding while up north and had so much fun! The kids (big and small) loved it.



Some of us had a bit of a clothing malfunction.



As my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and I stood at the bottom of the hill manning incoming children, this little one cried out for help. I quickly ran uphill to help but first snapped a few photos of her predicament. I couldn't help myself. Chuckles were heard from below as they watched me "help" her. I did secure her britches and soon she was on her way.



The boys built a snow ramp and Reed caught some good air coming off it. I love his facial expression.



And finally Phil. He obviously had fun.









And no pics of me from the whole weekend. That's life on this side of the camera. I did go down once and went crazy high up the hillside and came down wicked fast. Fun? Yes. But landing on your back with nothing but a plastic disc between me and the snow was enough to convince me one trip was all I needed. It was good while it lasted. We need to invest in better sleds.

Snow Bunnies

We headed up north early January for a weekend getaway. Lucky us were joined by our sweet nieces and nephew among (important) others.

We arrived to find about 3 feet of snow surrounding the cabin and had to dig our way in. Well, the manly men dug us in while the kids donned various snow garb and I shivered and snapped away.

Isn't she the cutest little toothless snow bunny?



Classic and ever teasing Uncle Phil.





The uprising! Dead on Jenna!



Once we tired of the chill the girls hunkered down and got cozy with snuggles and a movie.



And stories from Grandpa can't be beat.

31

Last night we celebrated Phil's birthday and his acceptance to medical school (still just Nevada, Arizona we haven't heard from yet). We had a "Doctor" theme and I crazily went all out with the details with much appreciated guidance from my party expert friend Mary.

Everyone arrived in scrubs and we dined on the following:



We had set up tables to look like an operating room environment; the tables were draped in sterile blue with various doctor paraphanelia scattered down the center (sharps containers, cotton balls, alcohol wipes, needles, etc.) We had a drink station set up that was the "Blood Bank" and a "Organ Transport" cooler filled with drinks.

I am sad I didn't have time to take adequate photos of the evening, the food, the table set-up, etc. I was crazy having cooked for 2 days and the next party will be super simple with more focus on the entertainment and less on the food. It was fun though.

After we ate we had entertainment courtesy of our friends who brought karaoke and a fun game off the PS3 called Buzz. We then lit up a lemon cake and sang to Phil, ate our brain matter cupcakes and ice cream.

Thanks to our friends who came and supported us in this evening.

Be Prepared

One of my goals this year is to establish a good year supply of food. As I was cleaning out my office I came across a nice flip chart some handy and inspired person made from an enrichment meeting years ago when I was newly married and not thinking of such things. It breaks down goals for each month in regards to food storage, a personal/household goal, preparedness, provident living and spiritual living goals. Perfect!

I have decided to share this information in hopes that it will inspire/motivate others to do the same. The monthly goals are easily attainable and before you know it you will be prepared!

January

Spiritual Goal: Hold Family Home Evenings every Monday.
Provident Living Goal: Establish a plan for paying off any debt. This could include paying more towards balances on home, vehicles, credit cards, student loans, etc.
Preparedness Goal: Gather recipes on how to use your pinto beans. Include beans in your meals everyday for one week.

Food Storage Goal:
50 lbs. flour*
*(see the comments for a handy/revised tip and also visit providentliving.org for the latest recommendations).
5 lbs. hot cocoa or other powdered drink
10 cans meat, fish, or chili

Personal/Household Goal:
1 gallon bleach
1 bottle of lotion

72-Hour kit Goal: Small sewing kit, which could include: safety pins, various sized needles, misc. colored thread, and buttons. Nylon Rope.

Water Storage Goal: 2 gallons of drinking water.

Found

That's right. Found my keys.

Where were they, you ask?

At the temple all this time?

No.

In my temple bag!

Yes, you read right. In the bag.

The. Whole. Time.

The whole time Phil was scouring the men's locker room and areas he roamed that day, the whole time we were bickering back and forth. The whole time we called a lock smith to come and let us in our house. All the while they were with ME!

I went to the temple today with my mom and was checking to make sure I had everything. And there they were, just waiting patiently next to my white slippers.

I called Phil and informed him of the blessed discovery. He said he knew he gave them to me. Hah! Next time I will dig a little deeper or I just need to go to the temple more often.

Lucky 7

Happy 7!

We started out happy and young. (We still are.)

Goals were planned and systematically checked off.

School, a small apartment, and 2 houses later.

We made a little miracle together.

We became parents.

We buried our only child together.

We still like each other.

We push through challenges.

We have fun.

Here's to us & seven wonderful years.

May this year be a lucky one as we come closer to goals and desires.

Love you Babe.

Resolve

I haven't posted for awhile and was struggling to find something worthy. Do I recap 2008? Nah, not much happened and I don't want to share the most intimate details of my life that has made 2008 "memorable". The big events being mostly heartache and challenges or shall we say "learning opportunities". And yet there was plenty of good. That is important to remember. My life is good.

I was hoping to finish 2008 off by checking off a major TO DO: a baby. But that hasn't been in the cards. I was struggling this weekend with a new set back, searching for answers and direction. Some insight:

• Instead of focusing on what is out of my hands, I found that I need to focus on improving myself. My spiritual self. My physical self; health and strength.
• I need to learn to let go. This is hard. I like to be in control. I like to plan, list and steadily check off that list.
• Some things you can't plan; some things you have no control over. The theme for my year could very well be "I am not in charge!"
• Patience. Patience. Patience. And some more for good measure.
• I must and I shall realize that anything worthwhile is worth working and praying for.
• Pray. Read. Improve.

While I may not completely control my life's circumstances, I am in control of myself; my conduct, my spiritual and physical well being. And there is always room for improvement. A New Year. A new beginning.

I am hopeful. Determined.