I dreamed of Camden the other night. And then I cried.
Today is going to be one of those days. Filled with wanting and missed opportunities. Tears threatening to brim over if I lose control. It comes on suddenly and without warning. It starts with a bit of longing. Longing for second chances, longing for another sweet spirit to bless our home, longing for the boy who left us. Longing for the happiness that others know.
It starts with longing and wanting and then can quickly turn to self-pity if I am not careful. Sometimes I indulge and then quickly remind myself that there is a plan. I am part of it. Camden is part of it and Heavenly Father designed it. He knows of my longing, my wanting and my suffering. He knows.
I have two friends who recently lost their baby girls. The injustice is palpable and their grief all too familiar. One likened the experience as being in an elite club, surely one you never want to be in. As I have grieved with them I have the experience of knowing it gets better, daily life gets easier and time dulls the ache. But it never goes away.
I dream of other children waiting to come to us. And I wish I knew when they would come and by what means. That is where faith comes in. Faith, endurance and patience. Oh, sweet patience! I need more constantly. Maybe my test is to see how long I can hold out. I wonder that myself. How much longer?
I am trying to be positive. Envisioning myself as a mother, holding my babies, willing this dream to come to fruition. It will come. I know it.
But when? I have no choice but to keep waiting.
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About Me
- Heather
- Happily married and navigating life with a husband in medical school. Mom to 4 littles ages 5 and under. Teeth enthusiast. Photographically obsessed. Loving my crazy life.
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14 comments:
Your strength has strengthened me! I know all to well how easily it goes from longing, to sadness, to self pitty so quickly! But dont feel bad! You are amazing and handle what the Lord has planned for you beautifully and gracefully! Know that you have a friend close by who would do anything for you!!!
You have been through so much with all of this and I think of you often. I have been so impressed with how you have handled everything. You are a great example and I know you will be blessed for how well you deal with it.
Only true faith can produce the kind of hope and assurance you have. You are amazing. Your post reminds me of Elder Neil Anderson's talk in this last conference..."I may not know everything, but I know enough." We may not know what or when or why...but just knowing the Lord knows, and that he loves us, sometimes is enough. May the blessings of heaven be poured down upon your head in abundance!
I wish I could express my feelings as poetically as you do. I also wish I could be as much of a strength to you as you have been to me the past few weeks. I hope that someday I will be able to bring you as much peace and comfort as you have brought me. I hope that Elizabeth and Camden are Friends. I hope they know how much we adore them and how much ache for them. I went and visited her grave yesterday. I just sat there and cried. The Lords Plan is something we rejoiced over, but I guess we never really knew the pain that could come with it. But that is where our Faith comes is. We have to believe that the reunion with our precious ones will be amazing. And it will be !
I'm glad you are holding to your faith. You never know why you're being tested on a certain trial, you may think it's patience, it could be. When others who don't have as much knowledge or truth as you would turn angry against God for letting their sorrow happen. I'm glad that you know enough that you will see him again and raise him and that your faith, strength and endurance will keep you clinging to that eternal family and the happiness that will come as promised with those covenants you've made.
Heather you are so amazing! I tend to let the longing go to self pity and then I'm really into a funk. You really do have a positive outlook on the future, and you're are right. Heavenly Father does have a plan and he knows.
my thoughts are with you today...just remember its okay to be sad and have that longing...don't ever be ashamed of it. your father knows you VERY well and you have wonderful family and friends for support, especially your cutie husband...
I can't even fathom the pain and longing you must feel. I admire your picking yourself up again. And did I ever tell you I LOVE your photography. The snow pictures are amazing below. Is it the photographer or the camera or both? =)
Heather
I love reading your words...you are a great writer and put everything so nicely. Not sugar coated and real with a positive attitude. Thanks for the pick me up today...your words are inspisiping! I know it will motherhood will come someday and you will really cherish it!
This is the third blog I have read this week of mother's missing their sweet little bundles that left them early. I am sorry this is your hardship. I am certain that your heart is broken more than I will ever understand and I hope that you can continue to find peace in your life with it. This 'knowledge' that we have certain can help with the pain but it doesn't take it all away from us!
Oh Heather, I wish I could give you the patience you need to endure this wait. I wish I could tell you that your longing will lessen and things will get easier. I can't so instead I send you a hug and will as always keep you in my prayers.
I love you, Heather. We all love you so much.
I can not even compare my situation with yours but my heart aches with you. Our sweet Madelyn took a year and a half and one miscarriage to get here. I remember those days. Wondering when I would get MY mothers day. You are such a strong example of faith. Your precious story has made my faith stronger. Thank you!!
Oh honey my heart breaks for you because I remember feeling those same emotions, my emotions, but still similar in the wanting, the missing, and the wondering why and when, and by what means would we be blessed. I remember feeling a year ago, that one day I would look back ten years from now and see my beautiful children playing in our yard, and the pain and sorrow I was feeling would be but a small speck in my life's portrait. I do look back and realize there was lessons to learn in my miscarriages and traits that were needed to be instilled in me for motherhood. You are such an amazing person and you will make one incredible mommy and I can tell you now that we will all rejoice in that day! Keep on keeping on because little miracles happen when we least expect them! Love ya!
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