Christmas Letter to Camden

Dear Son,

This year has been a happy one. You have a delightful new brother and sister, Max & Kate and they fill our home and hearts with joy and love. We are so grateful they are a part of our family and I can't wait to have all my kids together someday.

Your father has been accepted to medical school at Midwestern University here in AZ so we will be moving to the west Valley in the spring. We are excited, nervous and I am apprehensive to the changes and stresses that will be placed on our family; most of all returning to work, caring for your siblings, the home and our family all while your father is going to be under the immense load of school. We will do it. All will be well. Change is good.

The other night I was walking to bed and passed your wooden train that was out near the tree. The glow of the lights from the tree and this simple reminder of you had me in tears by the time I reached the end of the hall. Having your brother and sister with us now shows me what we have missed with you being gone. The endless nights full of quiet feedings, soft cheeks and dimpled smiles. We would have had a very excited little toddler waiting for Santa to come. And yet as I told all of this to your father through tears I was reminded again that this time is short and we shall have you once more. The true meaning of this time of year is never far and I am eternally grateful that our Savior has made it possible for our family to be eternal. For the opportunity to snuggle your softness and drink in your goodness.

We miss you. We love you.

Love, Mama


Camden's Ornament

Max's

Kate's

I should be sleeping...

Whenever the babes are down it would be wise if I were also resting but there is always something to do and it has been almost one month since I last posted. Tsk, tsk.

These two little people are ruling my world and most days there is little time for anything else. I wouldn't have it any other way. Words cannot express how much I love them, though I am going to try.



This boy has my heart. Look at his gorgeous eyes and luscious cheeks. Constantly the boy is barraged by my nibbles and caresses. He is sweet and for the most part pretty chill. He cries when he is uncomfortable with gas. Once the bubble has cleared he is relaxed as ever. My sweet boy spits up a lot and I don't know if it is just Max, if his little GI system is still immature, is he over eating, dairy sensitivity, on and on the list could go. He doesn't seem to be in pain though when he spits up other than the usual gas discomfort.

I was doing some research and came across some information that seemed to describe Max. He always sounds stuffy and congested though his little button nose is clear when suctioned. Persistent congestion and a lot of spit up could be indicative of dairy (or more accurately the protein in dairy) sensitivity.

It has been almost two weeks without dairy and it is hard! I shamefully admit that I haven't been 100% and had a bit of cheese with my eggs yesterday, and haven't been extreme in reading labels. I have not had any cow's milk or yogurt though instead I use soy milk and almond milk and a butter wannabe.

I am recommitting myself wholly and am now a label reader and dairy is out of the diet until further notice. But spitting up hasn't stopped the boy from gaining weight. He loves to eat! He weighed 7 pounds 5 ounces November 20th and now weighs 9 pounds 9 ounces. That is over 2 pounds in one month! Sheesh, maybe he is just over eating. He is in size 1 diapers now. Love him.



Perhaps this is not the most flattering picture of the Princess Kate but she is darling none the less. This peanut is the apple of her daddy's eye and is my sweetie. She has started smiling and will coo and talk to you. She loves her bouncer that plays music and flashes lights and gets her arms and legs a moving! She is also a good baby and doesn't cry or fuss unless she is tired or needs to burp. Kate is our fire cracker and can fight sleep like no other. If we aren't diligent about watching her sleep cues and keeping her right on schedule she will stay up for hours. Not good! The other night she was up from 4:30 till almost 11pm! This is with me nursing her, rocking her, pacifying her, etc. She will drift into sleep and then pops her beautiful eyes right open and protests.

Kate weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces in November and yesterday weighed in at 8 pounds even. Still a peanut but progressing well. She still wears her newborn clothes and diapers and a lot of her outfits are still to big on her.

We have been doing sleep training with Babywise and I have modified it to meet our needs but still want the kids to learn to sleep on their own without props or an elaborate routine. We eat, burp, play and then when they start showing yawns and tiredness I swaddle them up and with a baby in each arm we rock for a few minutes, I sing a few songs and when they are drowsy but still awake they are placed in their crib and the idea is for them to drift to sleep on their own. We have our good days and we have our bad where I question everything I know.

Nursing is going wonderfully and they eat every 3 hours and hopefully someday they will sleep through the night. I know our schedule will pay off and the kids will get there and are benefiting from a routine. We all do.

They had the second half of their 2 month shots with the second dose of RSV shot and didn't handle them as well as last month. Max was so sore and just cried in pain whenever we touched his legs or I shifted him when nursing or burping. Kate had a low grade fever. A dose of Tylenol did the trick and today they are back to their happy selves.

Life is a blur and my days are full of constant care of Max and Kate. I have certainly adjusted to a bed full of clean laundry, cluttered counter tops and baby paraphernalia slowly overtaking my house. Dinner is a goal and I hope to be more consistent. I am inside all day more often than not and my once or twice weekly excursion is the hour long trip to the grocery store or some other errand usually on the weekend when Phil is home.

Phil is a wonderful father, very attentive and interactive with the kids. He still helps me during the night if I need it. We actually are both sleeping in the kids room since I get up with them so often, it is easier to be right there and get them before they start crying a lot and wake up more.

I am going to try and document life better. Be warned that most posts are going to be about Max and Kate. They are our life now and I have nothing more to contribute other than them at this point in time.



We all hang out in our jammies most of the day. On our good days I am showered and at least get to swipe on some mascara, maybe some real clothes and do my hair! But all I am is a milk buffet at this point in time so I figure at least I am clean!

Then & Now

Then:




Our favorite primary care nurse Ashley.


Discharge Day! October 9th, 2009




Max: 4 pounds 3 ounces


Kate: 3 pounds 13 ounces



Now:



Max: 7 pounds 8 ounces! (Probably 8 pounds now) Chubba-lub


Kate: 6 pounds 9 ounces

Things we do:

Eat: All. the. time! (Now we nurse!-Hooray!)



Cry





Sleep! Them, not us.





Kisses, lots and lots!

Photos

Head on over to my photo blog to take a peek at Max & Kate.

Dear Kate & Max,

It is 1:39 in the morning. You woke at 1:00am to eat. I am tired, oh. so. tired. Bleary-eyed I stumble to the fridge to get your bottles and I don't bother to warm them up as warm milk apparently is a sedative. I want you to eat your full meal so you will then sleep, your full sleep, no snacking. Sorry, it was cold. Necessary.

Today, November 7th, is your due date. I never anticipated us making it this far in utero but it is a milestone nonetheless. Today you are considered full term, you are supposed to know how to breastfeed and we are to treat you as newborns, not the 8 weeks old you are. We have been through so much together this past 8 weeks and your father and I are better for it. Tired but better for it and happy about it. So happy.

The past 8 weeks of our life have been full of anxiety, worry, stress, immense happiness, joy and overwhelming love. Our lives are fuller with you in them. How far you have come! You are both getting chubs; cute cheeks are filling out and double chins are evident and just a hint of inner thigh chub is waiting to be pinched at diaper changes. You are close to doubling your birth weight!

We are so glad you are here and love you to pieces. You were worth the wait.

Hugs and kisses,

Mom

Life in the "slow" lane

Life around here is pretty much status quo. We eat, sleep, poop and repeat. Throw in a bit of fussing, some tears and drama when diapers are changed, lots of cuddling, loving frustration in the middle of the night when all you want is sleep and you get our life. We love it. We really do.

They are changing so fast. It is rather unfair. This time passes so quickly and it is all a blur since you are functioning on auto pilot tending to the necessities of newborn care and trying to keep up. Max is now 6 pounds and Kate 5 1/2 pounds as far as I can tell by weighing them with me on our home scale.

I am still pumping and the three of us are learning to nurse. It requires great patience on my part and perseverance. We. will. succeed. I am determined. That being said, the kids have made great progress, especially Kate. Where she used to sit at my breast (yes, I said it) and just dilly dally there not knowing what to do, how to latch or promptly fall asleep, she now latches and can nurse when she wants to or is patient enough to get things moving. Slooowly but surely. Max nurses like a champ and has saved me twice now with clogged ducts that my pump could not remove. Bless him. Somedays I feel like a rock star with the success of our few nursing sessions throughout the day and others when nothing seems to go right or Max downs a whole 2 ounce bottle after nursing on me for 20 minutes I wonder why the crap I seem to bother and what the heck was he doing on there the whole time? Sigh. This is hard. Probably the hardest part of this whole motherhood thing right now.

We are dealing with one fussy Kate in the evening hours and a certain father gets rather tired of her shenanigans in the wee hours of his shift. Phil is a sport, taking his nightly shift and managing the two kids with ease, albeit with the loving impatience that only sleep deprivation can bring. Then he goes to work after 5ish hours of sleep and keeps our household afloat with his financial winnings. We love him.

I am doing well. Caring for two little beings can be taxing and I already feel the mommy guilt when both children need me at the same time but I am only able to take care of one at a time in certain situations. With my pumping to maintain supply and practicing nursing, feeding bottles at other times it really is round the clock care with perhaps an hour downtime where I can catch a nap, just enough time to fall deep asleep and then wake up to some demanding hungry children. Love it.

My mom has been here helping and we greatly appreciate her. She helps with baby holding, feeding, changing, etc. She has washed countless loads of laundry and gets up in the night with us. She has been a gem.

Kate is fussing now, Phil is losing patience, my pumping session is nearing its end and intervention may be required. :)

Happy Halloween!

One Week

Kate




Max

We came home on Friday, October 9th around 8pm. Phil & I unloaded the kids from the back of the truck, gently took them out of their car seats and placed them together in their crib, lying side by side for the first time. We grinned stupidly at each other as we beheld the wonder of our children.

Fast forward a mere two hours later when we are feeding them, Phil with Kate and me with Max. Our boy coughs and then proceeds to stop breathing, his face growing pale and his lips turning blue. Phil hurriedly puts Kate down and takes Max while I run for the phone to call 911. Max finally coughs again after some coaxing from dad and starts breathing. A few minutes later our nursery is filled with 2 policeman, 4 firemen and 2 ambulance drivers. Nothing like a boost of confidence for the new and naive parents! They check Max out and we bid them farewell and settle in for a shaky (on our part) first night home. Not much sleep was had.

I am happy to report it has been uphill from there! We have been home for one week. Time has stopped and yet has never moved faster at the same time. Personally I have not left the house since Monday and that was just for 2 hours to take the kids to the doctor. Shame.

Life has been wonderfully exhausting. Taking care of newborn (still 4 weeks til their due date) twins is all encompassing. Phil has been home this week and bless him for it. He has taken on his new role with nary a complaint and is such a help. We take shifts during the night; Phil takes the early shift from 7pm-1am while I sleep and then we switch. This works well and you are always glad when your solo time ends and you can crawl into the bed in our room for a few hours of undisturbed shut-eye.

A sample of my shift:
1:00AM-rise to pump
1:30ish- prepare the babies' bottles and wake Phil.
2:00AM-feed two starving children simultaneously thanks to our second pair of arms aka the boppy pillow. This includes keeping Kate awake so she actually takes a full feed (less than 2 ounces), burping a very gassy Max at least 3 times, changing Kate's diaper mid-feed to wake Sleeping Beauty, change Max, bundling both babes up again like little burritos, resume feeding Kate with one hand and Max the other, final burps and toots, kisses and prop both back in the boppy together.
3:15ish AM- pump again. :)
3:45AM- place both babes in the crib and fall into the twin bed and try to fall asleep listening to baby sighs, moans and groans and Max's toots, surprisingly loud for a little man!
4:00AM- hopefully I am asleep.
5:00AM- wake & repeat...

I have come to the harsh realization that I can no longer do it all and if I try to on my low tank of sleep I get grumpy and invariably fall short of my housekeeping/mothering goals. Where I could once tackle the entire house cleaning duties, make dinner, shower, run errands, relax, etc. now takes me the course of a week, and even then I fall short. I have no less than 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded at the moment but at least they are clean. (Folding is my goal before I retire this evening, no promises).

I know this period is short and soon we will have a nice routine that involves more sleep for everyone and that a clean house doesn't matter so much at this point, though it certainly makes me feel better. I am the lucky mother to two beautiful children. I get to nibble on soft floppy baby ears and breathe in the sweet smell of their skin, rub my cheek on their downy hair and feel the warmth of a little body nestled in the crook of my neck. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

The Tour

Welcome! Come on in.









Now that we have some names I will add their initials to this wall flanking the art, framed out in the same turquoise as the mirror. Soon, I hope.



Our nursing/cuddle/reading area.





A piece of our Camden, so all my babies are in the same room. Quote from their daddy, spoken at Camden's funeral.



Kate's tutu bow holder I made just before their arrival. Love it. She is seriously blinged out with all her accessories, too bad her head is too small.



The 2nd refinish of the mirror, just the splash of color this corner needed.



I love this room and I like to think Kate & Max agree.

Just for fun

On a whim I decided to enter a little contest on a fun blog I read. The contest was to enter a pic about capturing your everyday with your kids. Our everyday was the NICU as it consumed the first 4 weeks of our kids life and consequently our own. I love the picture I submitted; holding Max for the first time.

Vote for Max HERE

Home

We are home. We are tired. Life is busy to say the least. More to come after we get some sleep around here.

Special

Max & Andy


Kate & Ann

I received a package not too long ago from St. David, where I grew up. I did not recognize the address but quickly tore into the brown box, pulled back the tissue paper and died from the incredible contents.

Two handcrafted Raggedy dolls, one Ann and Andy, for one Kate and Max. The card read that she makes each of her grandchildren one and out of the 10 she has, 6 have been in the NICU. The dolls are a way to mark how small they were and how they grow and of course become a cherished treasure through childhood and beyond.

My friend and past YW leader Mary Ann Merrill made them for us and I can't express how we love them. Her talent and the time and love she puts into them make them priceless and I am so grateful for the generosity and support.

The pictures above are poor excuses but the babies were still in their isolettes and it was hard to get the shot seeing as they were sleeping and all wrapped like burritos and I didn't want to disturb them or get them cold by unwrapping them. But rest assured the dolls are still bigger than them, though Max is slowly gaining on Andy!

Thank you Mary Ann for your wonderful gift.

Long time no post...

Life blurs together when you spend everyday at the hospital. I am journaling for the kids the old fashioned way and try to get to it daily so I don't forget the little milestones they are reaching. Even then, if I am not careful I can't remember which day was which and what happened when.

On the baby front; Kate continues to excel. She weighs in at 3 pounds 11.4 ounces as of last night. She tolerates her feeds well and when she feels like it will take her entire bottle by mouth. We get excited when this happens as it is one step closer to them coming home. And then in true preemie fashion she absolutely refuses to take her bottle (like last night at her 8pm feed). One step forward... Though to her credit the nurse had tried to sneak in her nasty vitamin that smells and probably tastes like fertilizer while she was eating. She promptly stopped sucking and pushed the whole mouthful of milk and nastiness out. And then she was on to us and refused to nipple any more. I tried. Oh, how I tried! The nurse was kind and let her take a break, even saying that she will try again in an hour or so if she wakes up. Kate promptly took her up on the offer and fell asleep in her daddy's arms while I pumped. Phil is absolutely smitten.

Max is our chubster and is 4 pounds 5 ounces now. He looks and feels so big compared to Kate, we are only talking a matter of ounces but really! He is off his IV and if he can tolerate his feeds and take in enough liquid by mouth than he doesn't need to get one in again. He has had tummy issues and we were slowly increasing the amount he eats by 2ml every 12 hours when he had his IV in. Now that it is out he needs to eat a lot more! This worries us since we felt that the doctors were pushing him too hard and fast before causing him to reflux and step down. Let's pray he can do it! We want him to stay off the IV.

Kate is in an open crib since she is managing her own temperature and Max is still a bit on the cool side. He is also anemic and is getting extra iron and a mean shot in his thigh three times per week. If you want to hear that kid wail then stab him in his thigh. Poor baby! He hates it and gets downright angry. Luckily we are usually nearby to help him and love him. He gets over it pretty quick.

Of course what would a post be without pictures...



Our Miss Kate loves her sleep.



Chubby Max with his sweet cheeks that I kiss so often. He is anemic and therefore still pale and a bit yellow.



Max. Just love him. His big eyes and sweet hands which are always by his face. (It is a comfort thing for preemies and just dang adorable.)

If anyone wants to join me at the hospital to help with feeds you are more than welcome! We are at Banner Desert and the kids eat every 3 hours; 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm, etc. I am down there in the morning for the 11am feed and stay for a few hours. I would love some company!

Max & Kate Update

The kids were moved to the intermediate care nursery Friday afternoon which is a step down from the NICU. This is great news and means progress. Both babies are still breathing on their own, their A's & B's (apnea and bradycardia episodes aka stop breathing and low heart rate) have all but diminished.

They both are getting their feedings of my breast milk and tolerating them well, the neonatalogist kept increasing the amounts every 12 hours. Kate has been tolerating her feeds well and both have been practicing with the bottle. Max also has caught up and in fact surpassed Kate on the amount of milk he gets (based on his weight). He was doing well but today he spit up all of his feeding, just under 1 ounce. His nurse put him on a pump that feeds him through his tube over a 30 minute period to help with this but again he spit up and when we put him back in bed to rest she noticed his tummy was distended and measuring larger. She went to get the doctor and came back with the nurse practitioner instead and during the assessment he spit up again, he was on his back and she instantly turned him to the side so he wouldn't aspirate. We are so grateful they were there when he spit up since he normally would have been tucked in and under his blanket covering his isolette and could have aspirated, the consequences of which can be very severe; infection, perforated bowel, necrotizing stomach, etc. Again, we can't express how grateful we are for an attentive nurse who knows what his "normal" is and that they happened to be assessing him when he spit up.

Max is now back on his IV for fluids and nutrition and his feedings have been suspended until his next assessment when the doctors make their rounds tomorrow. He had an x-ray for his tummy and it came back normal. When he gets to start feeding again we will start at square one with just 3ml (1 teaspoon) and gradually increase. This is a normal set back with preemies, his tummy just isn't ready for the volume they were giving him and they are only 34 weeks old and shouldn't know how to eat yet. The little booger also pulled out his feeding tube which is taped to his cheek and goes through his nose, down his throat into his tummy, about 20 cm long. The nurse heard him whimpering and came to check him out and once again Max knows what he wants and took matters into his own little hands. Seriously child! I guess he figured he deserved a complete break, a break from feedings and tubes all around. Bless him.

We sure love these babies and can't wait to bring them home. Only when they are ready though and quit scaring the dickens out of us. All in all they are doing wonderfully.

The latest

Can he be any cuter? Even with a puffy face from his CPAP.


Um, I like having a girl. Putting a bow on her makes her all the more feminine and dainty. She already has at least 25 flowers and bows waiting for her at home from the gifts we received, I haven't bought or made a single one.


She loves her paci!

My babies are 9 days old now! 34 weeks and 4 days. This time has gone so fast and yet it seems like an eternity ago that they were born.

Today they are both breathing on their own, room air, no assistance. Yesterday Max was removed from his CPAP, which he hated. I would too with prongs up my nose and forced air that dries out a little mouth and causes crusty lips. He was stepped down to O2 prongs when I left after the morning shift. We returned in the evening and he was free of everything! The nurse said he was fussing and she went to check on him and he had the prongs in his hand, as if to say "ENOUGH! I can handle this on my own." We are so glad he is! He still has a few episodes but he is getting better and usually recovers on his own.

Kate is now eating 1/2 ounce (15 ml) every 3 hours and Max receives 5ml, just over a teaspoon. He pooped a gloriously loaded diaper yesterday, his first! We were so proud and happy. Funny how having kids changes your perspective and poop becomes so important and something we get excited about. But for preemies, poop is a big deal.

We love these kids so much. We stare into their little faces for hours, watching their little eye flutters and listening to grunts and sighs. Phil is such a doting father, caressing their little heads and faces as he holds them each evening. Since he works all day I let him get the snuggles in the evening as I get quality time with them each morning. I get to do Kangaroo care, which is where you lay skin to skin with the baby and cover them with blankets like a little kangaroo pouch. It is such a special time and I love it! Kate and I have had several sessions and Max will get his first tonight. He was always so sensitive with his brady/apnea episodes that I didn't want to stress him any further. I am looking forward to it with my sweet boy.

Kate looks like she is going to be her father's mini me with her long graceful fingers and toes. Max takes after me, he has my toes and his facial features are different than Kate. I can't wait to see the little people they will become.

I am doing well. My incision is healing nicely, I am mobile yet tender still. I am pumping every 3 hours and already have a great supply for being 9 days after birth. I can't wait to start walking and enjoying this cooler weather to get back in shape but when will I have the time?? We will manage somehow and something will have to be put on the back burner to allow for it. All in due time...