It's coming...

Swimsuit season that is. Are you ready? I for sure am NOT! This last week I was sporadic at best with my exercise, running only once, though it was a longer hour run and then working out to a new DVD. (This is not an advertisement.)

What's my new DVD you ask? Well, you have all heard of Jillian Michaels. On the workout she introduces herself as TV's toughest trainer. And it's true. She kicks my butt, which is precisely the point. I like her style, she is not counting off enthusiastically your aerobic moves, she is real. And by real, I mean real hard, real tough, real thorough, real mean. The DVD I bought is 30Day Shred. It comes in 3 circuits, each progressively harder. The 1st one I did fine, definitely worked out well and hard in just 28 minutes. Did that level for a few days and yesterday I moved up to level 2. It kicked. my. butt.

During the exercise she tells me she wants me to "feel like you are going to die". I did. I wanted to stop. She told me not to, she told me to push harder. Anyway, Jillian is waiting for me. She's not going to be happy that I ate cake and ice cream last night, and just maybe I have already nipped at the leftover cake for breakfast. Shhhh, don't tell anyone. I don't know if I am going to be shredded but I do know I am firming up, maybe, just maybe I will wear a swimsuit this season. Walk away from the cake!

What are you doing to stay fit?

Birthday Wishes

Dearest Camden,

Words cannot express how I am feeling today, although I am going to try. Last night your dad and I were discussing this day and I mentioned I wanted to watch the videos we have of you. He gently took me onto his lap and held me close tucking his head against me, in the crook of my neck. And then he told me he didn't want to do that, he didn't think he could handle it. It would stir up all the emotions we have carefully tucked away deep in the recesses of our hearts. He suggested we wait until we have another child, as if that would lessen the pain we feel know. I told him it wouldn't help having another baby, the reality of you not being with us will be constant. I let him convince me not to watch the sweet footage of you and I let it rest for the evening.

2 years. TWO years. I cannot help but marvel at the passage of time. We would have a delightful, rambunctious little boy, a product of the love your dad I share for one another, a part of us manifested in you. I awoke this morning, bid your father farewell as he left for work and he wished me a good day. I read a few chapters of a book, delaying the inevitable. I knew I would come to the computer and torment myself as I watched clips of video of your birth, our brief time with you in the NICU.

I watched video your Grandma Nay took of you and I. You were all bundled in the soft blue blanket Aunt Melissa gave us and were hooked up to all sorts of monitors. You had an IV in your tender little head, an impossibly tiny diaper covering your little Gunnell rump and a pacifier half as big as your sweet face. You never really cried, but rather grunted and fussed, your wails like that of a little kitten, you would mew. I think you didn't have the strength or lung capacity to truly express what you were feeling. Were you in pain? Oh, I hope not and like to think that I could comfort you. I did manage to calm you down and I will always remember how soft your downy skin was just under your little chin. I loved to gently stroke that area with the tip of my finger, carefully memorizing your face. Tears are streaming down my face as I type and every now and again I must stop to gain composure.

I love you so much. I miss you with every fiber of my being. It is easy to feel sorry for myself but I immediately remind myself that I will see you again. We are blessed to be an eternal family and I know I will hold you, kiss you and be given the opportunity to raise you. I cling tightly to this knowledge. I thank our Heavenly Father for the cruel short time we had together, I thank Him and at times struggle with the path we have been given. But it never lasts long, I know better.

My day will be consumed with thoughts and longing for you. My eyes are already red and raw, my being emotionally exhausted. Last year at this time I was at work, struggling to keep composure. I wore the bracelet that was made for us, your initials on my right wrist. I never wear jewelry at work since it gets in the way but I wanted a piece of you with me. I didn't make it through the day without breaking down. Today I am home, alone with my thoughts and memories of you. I will try and be productive, clean the house, exercise, just stay busy so I don't end up sitting here at the computer watching the hours of video of you, listening to your sounds, reliving the moment. I wish you were here. But you are, in a way...

I don't want to forget. I love you Camden.

Love, Mom

Just a smidgen of video we have of our boy.

Neighborly ♥

Have I ever mentioned that I have the best neighbor? I do. It's true.

I was busily and noisily making dinner tonight when the doorbell rang. I barely heard the chime through all the ruckus I was making over the stove (plus I had the fan on, that will drown things out for sure). I heard Phil's voice rumbling but couldn't make out the conversation, it was a quick one though. He closed the door, I turned off the fan and he came through the kitchen marvelling at the exchange at the front door.

He rounded the corner and I caught a whiff of the most intoxicating scent. A huge gorgeous bouquet of flowers with beautiful pink lilies dropping their heady fragrance.

My sweet neighbor Kendra is so thoughtful, so kind, so good to us. We haven't seen each other regularly for quite some time due to conflicting schedules encompassing crazy work, travels and just life. But still she remembered Camden's birthday this week. 2 years after the fact. She remembered and it means so much to us that she took time out of her day, out of her life, to show her love and support for our family.

She does this a lot, my neighbor. She brought me white roses on my first Mother's Day just 2 weeks after Camden's birth and subsequent death. She took me out for brunch for my birthday one year. She has an amazing memory. She brings treats, salsa and friendship regularly and we love her and her family. Thank you Whittaker's. Everyone needs neighbors like you.

Chicken Little

I am feeling a little sheepish, a bit Chicken Little-ish, and since I am going down this barnyard road last night I was feeling piggish and perhaps approaching cow-dom since I ate too much for dinner and was still feeling the effects as I went to bed around 10:30. Any who...

I was so torn up about going private, I really didn't want to. Phil in his hasty reaction wanted me to switch asap, he followed me in to the computer room and watched me write the post (he sounds rather Nazi-like but it's not that way). I should have waited, should have worked on him a bit, expressing my angst and sadness.

Blogging is so fun to me. I am insatiably curious about other people and I know you all are too, otherwise this blogging phenomenon would not exist. Blogging and blog hopping is people watching at it's finest, all in the comfort of your own home, without the uncomfortable, awkward staring and eye averting. I get that. Because I do it to. I stumble across blogs and find some I truly love and bookmark them and get to know these people vicariously through their blog. Scary? Perhaps. I believe people post as much as they want other's to know, and in my case I am pretty much an open book (though I do keep some things private, believe it or not).

Last night as we were laying in bed and I was tossing and turning due to heartburn and heart ache over going private I expressed my feelings to Phil. He at first didn't understand. But I persisted, carefully wording my emotions and explaining that I people watch all the time and I am harmless. I am sure you are to. I know most of you who visit my site, the rest of you know someone who I know or are just people watching. And I am okay with that. I would love to get to know all of you! We can be blogging buddies, since I know most of the blogs I "people watch" on I feel like we would be friends if we met in real life.

So, in a word. Victory.

I apologize for the false alarm. "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

"Heather's going private! Heather's going private!"

Not anymore. Thank you Phil.

PS: I did just get an annoying spammer comment which I have already deleted. So this means now I have to add the dang handicap guy word verification, which I hate. Dang it.

Told myself I wouldn't be doing this...

Alright. I am going private. I am sad to say but it's true. Phil just asserted his "authority" and I am complying with his wishes. He usually doesn't pay much attention to what I do with this fun blog of mine but a recent conversation has him throwing down the hammer.

Go ahead and let me know if you would like an invite, if you are a lurker but I know you somehow through the grapevine, T13 site, friend of a friend, etc. I told my dear overprotective husband I need a week to gather info and then I will make the switch.

New Growth

First off, Phil started work-yes, EMPLOYMENT!-yesterday. We awoke at 5:30 together, puttered around getting ready, ate a hearty breakfast: me, vanilla yogurt with fresh mango, strawberry and some granola and Phil had his usual sourdough french toast. Kisses and good day wishes then we went to our respective, matching Nissan Sentras and pulled out of the garage at 6:36am.

He is happy with the company, his delightful, colorful white box that he calls "home" and the people he will work with on a daily basis. Good times, folks. I, on the other hand find myself with lots of time. This week, for instance, I worked yesterday-9 hours, then will fill in for 3 hours for a UTI afflicted fellow hygienist this afternoon and then Wednesday, my usual day, bit the dust = free day. Dang. No calls yet from the temp agency...

Yesterday for FHE, we reviewed our new financial situation with Phil working and my not-so much working. We are trying to devise the best plan of action for relinquishing our existing student loans, paying for future children and the means to get them, financing my hopeful extended education of NAU, blah, blah, blah and all the while saving as much as humanly possible for the rainy days ahead, aka poor, poor students.

Somethings more than likely gotta give, but we are perfectionists striving for extreme goal achievement, probably stretching ourselves thin. (I've been known to do this.)

Anything new with you?

PS: New recipes always being posted, head on over, try them and comment how they worked for you.

New Site

Downright Delish

Head over to my new recipe site. I transfered all of my existing recipes from the Smorgasbord and will post new ones as I make them. As long as I stay crazy organized I am going to post the week's menu and the recipes will follow. This way we'll both have dinner plans throughout the week.

Most of the recipes will be quick and easy and they will always be tasty!

I would love to hear how the meals work out for you, if you have any questions regarding instructions, etc. I will check back often to answer your questions in the comments.

Happy Cooking!

This coming Week's Menu:

Sunday: Grilled Lamb Chops with Lemon Herb Brown Rice & Greenbeans

& Ginger Creme Brulee for dessert

Monday: Breaded Chicken Fingers Salad with Honey Mustard Dressing

Tuesday: Leftovers

Wednesday: Tuna Casserole (a really good one)

Thursday: Chicken with Grapes, Couscous & Roasted Asparagus

Friday: Date Night

Saturday: Homemade Pizza

Survivor

Thank you for everyone's wonderful kindness and endless support. I am fine, slowly getting over this little hiccup. The night of my firing I could not sleep. I just kept replaying the scenario in my mind, thinking of things I should have said. Then if I managed to drift off I dreamt of the stupid thing, with subtle variations, like I go back into work and this new hygienist is there and she has moved around all of MY things, in MY room with MY patients. So on and so forth, until my alarm went off at 6:00am.

Then yesterday as I was going about my hygiene duties at my other only office I of course lapsed into my little world and it continued to occupy my thoughts. I stopped by my old office to pick up some instruments and said good bye to one of the girls. It was weird, I came in the front door instead of letting myself in the back, I felt awkward, like I already didn't belong. I had her grab my things since I didn't feel comfortable walking in the back like I used to. We chatted briefly of the recent happenings and I left.

My plan is to stay at Dr. Dickerson's office working Mondays and Wednesdays. I will then temp around the east valley on Tuesday and Thursdays, I anticipate it taking at least a week to get me into the temp agency's rotation and then I hopefully will be kept relatively busy on those days. No strings attached to another office, get paid for each day I work and I get to keep my Fridays. All is well.

In the meantime, I am working on consistent exercise, (already dressed for a run after I post), I am having some fun learning photoshop and making a new website for my recipes. I find that I am the only one that consistently contributes to the Smorgasbord and I want more flexibility than what blogger offers in terms of photos, etc. Stay tuned, I am looking for more interaction with you readers in the recipes, feedback and whatnot.

Survivor: My Theme Song? and the first song on my mp3 that I run to, ♥ the beat. Appropriate?

Loyalty Schmoyalty

So, a while back I requested one less day from one of my doctor's. He finally delivered. He went above and beyond my request. He went so far, he actually canned me. Nice, huh?

At the end of the day he called me into his office, I internally said "crap". He talked, I listened. I listened some more. And then told him just to come out and say it. He did. I was informed today was my last day. I am sad and hurt but will recover in a timely fashion. He had no real reason for my termination other than it has been hard for him to find someone to work just one day and that I haven't shown enough enthusiasm for hygiene lately. Yeah, it gets boring scraping plaque day in and day out. Everyone ebbs and flows. It's called life.

So, on to the next adventure. What else is life going to throw at me?

Daily To Do

I ran this morning-yes Candace I did!, I have today off since my doc is having a working interview with a newbie RDH. It's only been over a month since I requested less days...Right.

Since I have the time off I am taking advantage of said time and planning meals, corresponding grocery lists, getting ready for Bunco (tomorrow!), cleaning my house, wasting lots and lots of time blogging, etc. When I have time off it is hard for me to stay focused on the many things I want to accomplish, the computer and relaxing keeps calling my name and since I answer to no one but myself (okay, sometimes Phil) I am responsible to getting back on track. Not doing too good so far! But I promise, after this post I am shutting my good friend down so I can get crackin' on my list.

Here goes:

Dinner for the week

• Manicotti
• Falafel with Tatziki Sauce
• Lumberjack Hash with Fruit Salad
• Chicken Cacciatore Pronto with Green Beans and Cavatalli
• Hot Browns

Recipes to follow as I make them, stay tuned.

Big To Do List:

• Costco run
• Grocery shopping for week and Bunco
• Laundry
• Clean house
• Shower, after cleaning before shopping, don't want to scare anyone away
• Take car for emissions test so I can renew tags
• Finish cookie dough fundraiser for Girls Camp, probably drizzle into tomorrow as well
• Relax?

Have a great Conference Weekend!