It is funny how once a crisis passes the memory of the event softens and fades. You don't recall how hard it really was and instead you are already focusing on the current crisis ruing the day. This has never been truer for me. Stress is my constant companion as I am navigating the rocky road of motherhood. It is ingrained in me to strive for perfection. To perform a task to the letter and by the book. This is only to my detriment I am learning.
Breastfeeding twins was my constant goal during the early weeks of Max & Kate being home. I pumped endlessly to maintain my supply and give them the best I had. I stressed over my output, hoarding away bag after bag of precious milk in the freezer while keeping a current stash in the fridge for the daily feedings. I stressed over getting Kate to latch, I worried she didn't "like" me and that she would never learn. I worried that I would have to pump forever. Then came time to regulate my supply so I could cut ties with the trusty Medela that helped me provide for my children. With that came more stress of course and frantic middle of the night emails to my friend Kathryn, fellow mother of twins (twice!) and the lactation consultant.
Well, we finally made the transition to full-time breastfeeding and I haven't used a pump unless I want to or an outing requires it (ie: recent photo shoot). It isn't painful anymore! The kids are quite proficient and the proof of our success is measured each month we visit the doctor. Crisis resolved!
Then it was on to Max and his spit up and the kids' perceived colic. So I obsessed and researched and concluded that I needed to cut out dairy. The spit-up remains but I am okay with it now. That is just our life. That and laundry. Oh the laundry!
He still seems happy but I am beginning to wonder if it is indeed reflux, there are times the boy will crawl up me writhing in discomfort, crying with his hoarse little voice. A trip to the doctor will ease my mind I hope and I am going to request that both kids be placed on an antacid. Kate is now being fussy when nursing, she pops on and off and rarely feeds longer than 10-12 minutes. She also swallows a lot as though she is trying to keep her milk or spit-up down.
Now my current obsession and seemingly life-long goal is sleep. Sleep for them and sleep for me. Oh how glorious the day will be when we all sleep a stretch longer than 2.5 hours at night! I was hoping to achieve this milestone with the help of Babywise or our family interpretation of it. We still aren't there. I wonder if we will ever get there. I have checked out every sleep book from the library and pored over each one. They all seem to have the same themes and to be honest I am not such a fan of crying it out especially when my babies are so little.
Slowly I am releasing my tight grasp on perfection. The house surely doesn't resemble perfect. My bed is the ultimate "clean drawer" as load after load of laundry is dumped on the bed day after day, each day I tell myself I will get to it. And each day I fall short and another load is added to the masses. I don't get to shower everyday, spend most of my time in my jammies, hair in a pony and with my glasses on sans make-up. And usually I am okay with this.
My sister-in-law asked me how I was doing with twins, if it was harder than I thought? I confidently told her that all in all I am doing just great. Sure its hard but I don't know any different. And then I proceeded to tell her that it isn't hard enough that I feel like I can't handle it.
I would like to retract that statement! This is HARD! Yes, I still feel like I can handle it but some days I do not handle it with grace and some days I am grumpy. Most days all I "handle" is just the kids. Forget dinner, forget the house, forget myself, and Phil has surely been on the short list lately. I hate being in a constant fog due to the lack of sleep and whatever "naps" (ha!) I get are not restorative. But again, this too shall pass. I know that what is hard now will soon be a soft fuzzy memory and something new will take its place.
I hereby am resolving to stop obsessing. I am returning all sleep books to the library and friends. I will quit over analyzing. At least I am going to give it my best effort. Phil tells me I am driving him crazy and it is getting annoying. I don't want to be annoying, I want to be a good mother and do things right.
So. I am starting over. We will keep structure and routine in our house, with twins it is necessary and honestly I function best with a routine and I believe my kids do too. But, I am going to breathe, relax and drink deep this special crazy time. I know it goes fast and I don't want to add regret to my long list of obsessions.
