Happy Halloween!

We went to our ward Trunk or Treat and enjoyed looking at all the creative costumes. We are going to make it a family tradition to get all dressed up and I am already looking forward to next year.

Max & Kate were skeletons, aka pajama's, thank you Carter's. I knew they wouldn't care and there was no way I was going to get away with anything on their heads, hands, feet, etc. Even long sleeves caused Kate some anxiety.





Phil was an x-ray machine and I was the radiologist. Easy and last minute but hey, we tried! Next year we will redeem ourselves and coordinate us all together.

"The End"- Take Two

We are finished. We haven't nursed since Wednesday morning. I am actually sad. Sad to have ended that chapter of our life together. And honestly it seems like a bit of a letdown (absolutely no pun intended!). I felt like there should have been something grand to mark the occasion, one last hurrah. Something. Anything! Instead there was just me, debating, wondering if Max would notice and protest.

Kate awoke first and I started getting her breakfast together instead of going to the couch. She doesn't seem to care about nursing anyway so I figured she was a safe bet. Max woke up a few minutes after her and saw her eating breakfast so I buckled him in and gave him a banana. He didn't seem to care either. They don't care for straight cow's milk but I still want to ensure they are getting enough fat and calories. I gave a smoothie one more try. Milk, yogurt, strawberries, vanilla and for good luck a spoonful of sugar. I'll take the sugar if they will drink the fat.

Success! Looks like we have a new routine in the mornings. And I'm still a bit sad about that.

I'd like to put in a special thank you to my trusty right-hand man, my twin nursing pillow. Couldn't have done it without you! It has held a special place hanging over the arm or back of our couch for over a year now. Now it is time to pass it on or pack it up. It went from two little babes nestled on it, heads propped up with blankets to reach their mom to two rambunctious pre-toddlers who roll off when they are done. It even got it's own suitcase when we flew to Texas! Good times. You will be missed my friend.

Running for my life

The kids & I after our morning run, 10.23.2010 
"Um, mom? Why are you so smelly and red?"

Phil left us again this morning. Sigh. I just want my husband back, at least on the weekends. Yesterday he studied for over 18 hours. Yes, 18 HOURS! I miss him. We all do and I know he misses us.

I have been struggling a bit lately. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss social contact. I have met some lovely ladies here and I have one good friend J'lene that we see each other more often than I see the other sweet girls. But even then sometimes it is not enough. Long days of solitude have been wearing on me. I can easily slip into a funk if I am not careful. Part of that lends itself to eating like a garbage can, loafing around like a slug and then neglecting my body which further feeds into self-pity. Not good.

So, since I have a race (5k) to run in oh, 8 weeks, I figure it is past time I get serious. I laced up my new running shoes and we hit the road. I am proud to say that I ran 1.68 miles without stopping! A small distance it may seem but I am happy that I did it all the way through, I felt fantastic and probably could have gone longer. Baby steps. Thank you to the marathon man who clapped for me as he passed me on the road. Just the boost I needed and it made me smile.

It's amazing how when I exercise I immediately have a kinder outlook on my self, I feel stronger, leaner, smarter. In reality nothing has changed dramatically after a 20 minute run but everyone benefits so why don't I do it consistently? I have eaten clean today and with my run behind me I am going to use that momentum to keep it a good day. I know that exercise and healthy eating are critical to a positive outlook on my life and the reality that is medical school and being a grad-school widow. Now, let's keep it up.

The End

Max's muffled morning cry roused me from my bed signalling the start of our day. I picked up two groggy babies dressed in only their diapers and sleeping shorts, Kate sporting her awesome bed head. I made a decision and plopped them straightaway into their high chairs for breakfast. One pumpkin pancake and half a banana each.

Max cried immediately and my heart broke a little. We avoided our usual stop at the couch and double wide pillow. We are done nursing and I am not quite sure how I feel about it.

I cut out two feeds over a month ago to start off our weaning process, one each week and then we held steady with just nursing in the mornings and before bed. This past Monday night we had family pictures and didn't get home until close to bedtime. The kids had a late dinner and I figured it was the perfect opportunity to drop the night feeding. So we did.

Breakfast is finished, two faces and four hands are washed and the little bodies are set down to play. Kate takes off unfazed by the change in our routine. Max on the other hand is not happy. He cries when I set him down to play, cries when I brush his teeth, cries all through his diaper change and for good measure through Kate's as well.

I know just what he needs. We go to our couch and my weak resolve crumbles. Max gets exactly what he wants, what he needs. My kids cannot nurse solo, if someone is eating then surely the other must be invited as well. Kate sees her brother, asks to joins us and all is well. Two little hands thump my chest and then those two little hands clasp one another, my favorite part. Kate rolls off the pillow a few minutes later, signalling she is through and Max continues on. And on. And takes over Kate's place as well. Finally he is sated and happily goes about the important daily duties of further destruction and exploration.

We worked so hard to get to this place; where nursing is second nature, natural, smooth and easy. Countless hours with my trusty hospital pump, clogged ducts, a horrendous milk blister and the fear that Kate would never "like" me and figure out nursing. But we did it. We have nursed for over one year (pumpings included). I have nurtured and been responsible for the growth and well being of two incredible children; from 3 pounds and 3 pounds 10 ounces to almost 16 and 19 pounds respectively. We did it!

So, what's the rush? Why the hurry? What's another few lazy mornings of peace and comfort? I once craved the freedom and flexibility of not nursing and now that it is coming to an end I am bittersweet, I will miss it. What a wonderful gift. I hope I will be able to do it again someday.



My view from our nursing pillow, December 24, 2009, camera phone.

Everyday & Some Days

Time passes so quickly and it is easy to get caught up in the "everyday" minutiae of motherhood. I want to remember what our everyday looks like.

Everyday we have a messy boy after dinner time, always necessitating a bath.



Everyday he doesn't like to lay still to get a fresh diaper and clothes on afterwards; he's got things to do!
Some days Kate poops in the water while I wrestle with Max and she waits her turn to get dried and dressed.

Everyday 5 o'clock rolls around; everyday we are all missing our daddy and some days we are pretty tired of each other.



Some days I want to crawl in my bed to have a quiet moment. But my bed looks like this:



And I am being followed and never get that moment.

She just wants the quiet respite of mommy's arms. Some days I need to slow down and remember that.
Everything else can wait.



Some days we need to get the heck out of the house and this is our only escape.





Some days a certain little boy only takes a 15 minute afternoon nap. Four hours later and five minutes into our walk someone looks like this:



And then I look at these heavy lashes and thank the Heavens that these babes are mine.



Everyday.

White Coat Ceremony

Yesterday Phil received his White Coat. His mom came into town from Pinetop and joined us. Tickets were limited due to the amount of students and we only received two. Here is the dean of the D.O. program welcoming us.



Phil receiving his coat.





The D.O. class amidst other classes citing the oath.



Our family after the ceremony. It was over 100 degrees on October 1st and I wore a sweater. We were all melting and didn't linger long. We hightailed it to the truck and air conditioning.



We are so proud of our daddy and how hard he works. We love you Phil and appreciate your dedication to your family and new career.

Clearly Max and Kate are cognizant of the sacrifices involved.