Happy Birthday Camden: 7 Years

Wednesday was Camden's birthday, he would have been 7.

The night before his birthday I was folding laundry and for some reason I just started crying. I was thinking about him and how we should have a 7 year old tucked into bed, how I should be folding his clothes next to the other kids' piles. I was just sad. My heart was heavy and I was down. I worked the next day and my melancholy followed me to work that morning.



Friday morning I made a cake so we could sing "Happy Birthday" with the kids and start to lay the ground work of telling them about their brother. We gathered around the cake after dinner and I told the kids that we were having cake for baby Camden's birthday. We were going to start singing and Kate said "Where is he?". Break my heart! I took her hand and we walked down the hall to his baby picture. I told Max and Kate that baby Camden had gotten sick and he died, that he now lives with Jesus but that he is still our big brother and that we love him. That appeased them and we went back and sang the song and ate cake.

Last night we went to the cemetery to clean his grave and leave flowers. Our friends and neighbors the Whittaker's joined us and we had a lovely evening walking around the cemetery, looking at headstones and wondering about the history of each person.

 

Grief is a funny thing. It evolves and it does lessen it's daily grip. Nowadays I am not continually thinking of or mourning Camden. It is now little bursts that crop up when I realize milestones that we should be having with him, or when Phil and I muse over our little family and he is missing. And of course on his birthday is when I feel it the most. The tears come and the sadness envelopes me for the day.

I am sure it will always be this way.
 

Driving home and again when we were tucking in Kate, we were asking her about her evening, recapping the night. When we got to Camden, she said she couldn't find him. I know she doesn't fully understand but I am happy that we are talking about him. I would rather teach my children about the Plan of Salvation any other way, but we have a personal testimony of the blessings of the gospel, the blessings of the temple and a sure understanding that we will see Camden again. He is ours forever.

And then Daddy came home.

Phil was in Fresno, California for six terribly long weeks. After our weekend trip together he was beyond itching to get home, he missed the kids and just wanted to be HOME. Home to his wife, home to his children, home to his bed, home to warm meals, home to the comfortable and familiar. Home.

He left as soon as he could Friday afternoon (April 5th) after checking out of the hospital, finishing up his patient notes, turning in his keys, etc. I didn't want him kill himself getting out the door in time which would mean a late night driving but he was determined. He pushed through the long 10 hour drive, drove too fast actually (speeding ticket!), and made it home at midnight. 

The next morning when Max and Kate came into our room he hid under the covers a bit and I asked Max to go on Phil's side of the bed to "get my pillow". Max complied and was thrilled to discover our late night traveler. The kids immediately hopped into bed and loved on their dad. I love their faces here, they say everything.

When Rhett awoke Phil went and got him out of bed. He was also very happy to see his daddy and they snuggled up while Rhett drank his morning milk.

To celebrate our daddy's homecoming we walked across the street to Bashas' bakery and let the kids pick out donuts. We threw in some orange juice, bananas and yogurt to try and balance things out but the donuts won. The kids loved it! It was fun to be together and do something special. We determined that donuts with daddy will become a monthly date.

As we were eating our meal there was the cutest elderly couple there enjoying some coffee and the morning news. On their way out they stopped at our table and complimented us on our beautiful family. It was just a lovely moment and I am so glad we have one another and were able to enjoy our time together. 

10 on 10: April 2013

One photo, every hour, for 10 hours, on the 10th day of the month.

I worked on the 10th and taking a photo every hour would be seriously redundant, I took a few shots at work and then a few at home in the evening. I certainly didn't make the required hourly photo but it is an accurate capture of my day.

I am lucky to work close to home and my "commute" is all of 7 minutes. I enjoy my job and the people I work with. Bonus points for being able to return to this office after having Max and Kate and moving across the Valley for a few years. 

My first patient of the day is at 7 o'clock and the rest of the day follows in similar fashion: update medical history, take necessary radiographs, review and address patient needs, scale, polish, floss. Repeat 9 times.

Lunch is at 1pm but I finished early and was able to run an errand at Target and briefly peruse the spring offerings. Target is the devil, always tempting me. 

I finish work at 5 pm, return home, get the update from our fabulous babysitter Kara and then unwind a bit with the kids. Here they followed me into my room where I changed my work clothes and relaxed on the bed a bit. 

They are crazy.

A quiet capture with my girl. We have our struggles together but when I remember to slow down and love her she responds in kind.

 

We eat dinner, leftovers since I worked, and then head outside to burn off the rest of the day. It is a really nice night, cool in fact. The kids ride their cars, Phil edges the front and back yard and I visit with Kendra. 

We have a good life and we are continually reminded of that. We are enjoying our home, neighbors and friends. It is especially nice when Phil is home with us and when he isn't stressed about looming exams/pressures of school. I think it is more poignant now when we know that so much change is on the horizon

 

It gets dark, we all head inside and the kids get a quick wash down and then we do the usual jammies and bed routine. I love those squishy buns.

Yosemite National Park

We spent Friday hiking around in Yosemite National Park. We stayed on the outer edges and know that we didn't get to fully appreciate it but due to time and my lack of proper hiking attire we stayed to easier trails and saw some highlights. The weather was gorgeous, perfect really for being outside and the park wasn't terribly busy but there were still plenty of people out.

We stopped in the Mariposa Groves and did a short 1.5 mile hike. I love pine trees. It didn't smell "piney" though. I also loved to see these clusters of baby trees, so fresh and green.




These giant sequoias are stupendous. We only had our phones on us and one of these days we will go back with our dslr camera and an appropriate lens to more fully capture their majestic beauty.

The California Tunnel tree was cut in 1895 to allow coaches to pass through it (and as a marketing scheme to attract visitors to the grove), this is the only living tree with a tunnel in it since the fall of the Wawona Tunnel Tree in 1969.

The Grizzly Giant (photo taken from wikipedia)

I love this next image. So breathtakingly beautiful! What a glorious world we live in.

Bridalveil Fall

On the way back from our hike in Mariposa Groves we gathered huge pine cones. I mean HUGE! We each had an armful and it got quite painful at the end due to maintaining a static and contracted position with our arms/shoulders/back. What possessed us? I have no idea. It seemed like a great idea at the time and we now have a trunk full of sap laden pine cones.

We picture swapped with a lady and this was the result of our turn. It has grown on me and I rather like it.

After spending the day in Yosemite we headed back to our chalet, ate dinner and then went on a walk near the lake. We had such a good time just relaxing, talking and being together. It was wonderful and we are already planning our next trip. We are making it a point to get away each year to focus on our marriage and each other.

Saying goodbye at the airport. The trip went so fast and it was sad to walk away but the good thing was that Phil was to return home the next weekend. I sure love this man and the life we are making together.

A Weekend Getaway

Phil was doing a rotation at a children's hospital outside of Fresno, California. For 6 weeks! Looooong time! He was terribly homesick, missing us and we were all missing him very much. I have a friend whose husband works for US Airways and she let me use some buddy passes. She had mentioned this to me early on in his rotation so Phil could come home for a weekend or something. I shooed the idea away because surely we didn't need the help, Phil would be fine, it's only 6 weeks...

Fast forward a few weeks later and Kendra mentioned that she and Sara were talking about how I should get away to visit Phil. Sara would watch the kids during the day and Kendra (also our neighbor) would take them at night. I again said "thank you but no thank you" as I didn't want to burden anyone with my kids, didn't want the kids being jockeyed back and forth for a weekend just so I could selfishly sneak away.

But the seed was planted. I mentioned it to Phil and then realized that my mom would be in town; child care problem solved! Both Phil and I got very excited about a weekend getaway and started to plan things.

I flew stand-by Thursday morning so we could have a full two days together. He took off some time from work and we had so much fun! We haven't done anything alone together since we have had kids. The darling children and medical school have taken over our life, we viewed this trip as long overdue. We didn't do anything last year for our 10 year anniversary so this made up for that.

Detail shot. On the way over to Fresno I sat next to a man with the worst perio, ever! I literally sat turned away from him with my finger up by my nose to block the smell. Nice guy but dang! Go see your dentist!

On the way home I was lucky enough to be seated alone and right behind first class, so I had a lot more leg room.



Thursday morning Phil picked me up from the airport, we went to breakfast and then did a session at the Fresno temple. The weather was beautiful, cool and a bit overcast. We had a wonderful session and it was so fabulous to be together again, especially in the celestial room. I will never forget Phil's beaming face as he came into that room to be with me.

After the temple we drove around some beautiful neighborhoods and dreamed of future homes and possible moves. We stopped by Phil's apartment so he could show me around and then we shared a grilled chicken sandwich at a famous nearby restaurant  It was so good! We stopped by the mall, walked and shopped a bit, took our time enjoying the novelty of being kid free with no standing commitments. Again, it was fabulous!

We had booked a little cabin up near Yosemite and after picking up some groceries we drove north an hour through some beautiful countryside/farming areas. We stayed at Bass Lake. It was a nice family friendly "resort" that was looked nicer in pictures on the website. We will definitely stay there again with our kids but most likely not just as a couple. The chalet cabins were dated but overall it was nice for what we needed. We thought we were getting something more exclusive, not sharing walls with neighbors and more of a hotel feel.

It had a small kitchen, living room area and fireplace. All of which we enjoyed. (stock photos from the website)

This is a small portion of Bass Lake, there are homes to the right that are beautiful.



The entire trip Phil kept commenting how "the kids would love this...I wish the kids were here...". Ha! Our purpose was to get away and reconnect and we certainly did but it is funny how your family is never far from your thoughts. And Phil had been away from them for so long.

Thursday we crashed in our chalet, enjoyed a fire and some pizza. Friday morning we breakfasted and then drove into Yosemite National Park.

Easter 2013

Easter this year was very low key with Phil was still out of town. My mom and Link were in town the week of and we were able to spend some wonderful time with them. They even watched my kids while I slipped away Easter weekend to Fresno to see Phil! Woohoo! That was amazing.

I was gone Thursday through Saturday afternoon. I missed the Rapier egg hunt/breakfast but my mom took some pictures for me. The kids had a lovely time gorging on candy and playing at the park.




There was a pet bunny there that my kids were obsessed with, especially Rhett. He followed it all around wanting to love on it. He must have thought all bunnies were meant to be loved on because when I got home later that same afternoon he saw a wild bunny run across our yard, he yelled out "bunny!" and ran after it. We stopped him before he got eaten by the cactus that the bunny sought refuge under.
 

The kids read lots of books with Papa,



posed for Grandma's camera,



and played at the park. I don't think they missed me at all while I was gone. For that I am grateful! They were in excellent hands.



My mom and Link drove home early Easter Sunday morning. The kids I just went to church, we got gussied up and I harrassed my friend and neighbor Kendra into taking 25 pictures of us until I was satisfied. I have camera issues, clearly. I need to accept that three small children, tricky morning lighting and a camera phone don't make for ideal pictures. This is one of the best and I still wish I had my dslr on hand to do a redo. #photographerproblems

We barely made it through sacrament meeting. I left 12 times taking various children out to potty, discipline, etc. We were horribly irreverent, I made the executive decision to call it quits after the meeting and we headed home for lunch and naps. Rhett fell asleep 2 minutes after I buckled him in, it is less than a 5 minute drive home. There was our problem! Tired kids.

With Phil out of town and my parents on the road we didn't have any plans for a nice Easter dinner. Everyone else had their own family shindig where we probably ate cereal or quesadillas, I can't remember anymore. It wasn't special, that's for sure! We will try again next year.

When Phil gets home this weekend I want to visit Camden's grave with the kids. And next year I will do better in teaching my children that the true meaning of Easter is not candy, eggs and bunnies. It is about the glorious gift our Savior has given us; that He lives! And because He died for us we will be able to see our sweet oldest brother again.