Birthday Wishes

Dearest Camden,

Words cannot express how I am feeling today, although I am going to try. Last night your dad and I were discussing this day and I mentioned I wanted to watch the videos we have of you. He gently took me onto his lap and held me close tucking his head against me, in the crook of my neck. And then he told me he didn't want to do that, he didn't think he could handle it. It would stir up all the emotions we have carefully tucked away deep in the recesses of our hearts. He suggested we wait until we have another child, as if that would lessen the pain we feel know. I told him it wouldn't help having another baby, the reality of you not being with us will be constant. I let him convince me not to watch the sweet footage of you and I let it rest for the evening.

2 years. TWO years. I cannot help but marvel at the passage of time. We would have a delightful, rambunctious little boy, a product of the love your dad I share for one another, a part of us manifested in you. I awoke this morning, bid your father farewell as he left for work and he wished me a good day. I read a few chapters of a book, delaying the inevitable. I knew I would come to the computer and torment myself as I watched clips of video of your birth, our brief time with you in the NICU.

I watched video your Grandma Nay took of you and I. You were all bundled in the soft blue blanket Aunt Melissa gave us and were hooked up to all sorts of monitors. You had an IV in your tender little head, an impossibly tiny diaper covering your little Gunnell rump and a pacifier half as big as your sweet face. You never really cried, but rather grunted and fussed, your wails like that of a little kitten, you would mew. I think you didn't have the strength or lung capacity to truly express what you were feeling. Were you in pain? Oh, I hope not and like to think that I could comfort you. I did manage to calm you down and I will always remember how soft your downy skin was just under your little chin. I loved to gently stroke that area with the tip of my finger, carefully memorizing your face. Tears are streaming down my face as I type and every now and again I must stop to gain composure.

I love you so much. I miss you with every fiber of my being. It is easy to feel sorry for myself but I immediately remind myself that I will see you again. We are blessed to be an eternal family and I know I will hold you, kiss you and be given the opportunity to raise you. I cling tightly to this knowledge. I thank our Heavenly Father for the cruel short time we had together, I thank Him and at times struggle with the path we have been given. But it never lasts long, I know better.

My day will be consumed with thoughts and longing for you. My eyes are already red and raw, my being emotionally exhausted. Last year at this time I was at work, struggling to keep composure. I wore the bracelet that was made for us, your initials on my right wrist. I never wear jewelry at work since it gets in the way but I wanted a piece of you with me. I didn't make it through the day without breaking down. Today I am home, alone with my thoughts and memories of you. I will try and be productive, clean the house, exercise, just stay busy so I don't end up sitting here at the computer watching the hours of video of you, listening to your sounds, reliving the moment. I wish you were here. But you are, in a way...

I don't want to forget. I love you Camden.

Love, Mom

Just a smidgen of video we have of our boy.