Back from the Dead

Perhaps this title is inappropriate given my last post, but I am going to be better about frequent blogging and updates. This pregnancy has sapped my desire to cook, clean, blog, etc. Life has been simplified, no longer do I cook glorified regular meals (sorry, cooking blog!) and we get by with the basic housecleaning, usually picking our clean undies out of the dryer or off the couch where they have resided for some time now. I have lofty goals of a spic and span house this weekend.

Now on to the juicy tidbits, a lot of big news around here! First and foremost:

Behold, my little ones first "photo shoot";









We are having one of each! So excited and more importantly they are healthy and completely sound. Our ultrasound tech also scanned Camden and remembered us and was so thrilled, a much different experience this time around with her. Instead of her wearing her "poker face" and not saying a word as reams of images were spilling out of the machine with Camden, she freely pointed out things and talked the hour away.

As you can see Baby B is our boy as is evident especially in his 3D pic. And Baby A is our sweet little girl. I cannot wait to see what Phil & I have created and kiss these sweet bodies all over!

I am feeling well. Heartburn is not my friend and is always present, even with the most benign foods like watermelon. I can't wait to stop choking down Tums but even if I was kissing the toilet everyday it would be worth it. And I am grateful, so grateful and blessed.

And because this post is too long already I will add more big news.

We (read mainly Phil) have been struggling with the decision to continue with med school this year. Overwhelmed with the prospects of no income, 2 new babies, 1 overly stressed and non-existent husband, paying for COBRA insurance $$$, being a state away from family and friends during this pregnancy and early days of the babies...

We decided to put medical school on hold. Phil requested a deferment and we got news that it was granted. We will start medical school next year and take this time to enjoy our new life, savor our babies and have the peace of mind that we will have a stable income, wonderful insurance through Phil's work and I will have my dream of a helping and involved husband and father for our children. We have worked hard to get these babies here and I want to relish the experience. So we will.

You can all come and see my babies and I am sure I will need the help!

April Twenty-Fourth

Dearest Camden,

Time flies. And it is cruel that time fades details, senses and feelings.

3 years ago today you were born. 3 days later you left. Cruel. But necessary.

I prepared myself to open up the tote that holds all things Camden. To immerse myself in the details, refresh the sweet feelings that occupy my heart. I awoke early this morning and began to do just that. I removed the 2 bins on top of yours in the office closet, slowly opened the lid and let my gaze wander over the contents. Soft and fluffy blankets from numerous friends and family, onesies from an aunt that were never worn, hospital bracelets, nursing pads, newborn diapers, the list goes on.

I pulled them out one by one. I smelled the blankets for a trace of your scent but you were long gone. In a clear hospital bag near the bottom I found cut ID bracelets with "Baby Boy Gunnell" and the doctor's name. One for me and one for you. There was the blue suction bulb that your father used tirelessly to clear your airways when we brought you to my hospital room to die. His attempts were futile and heart-breaking to watch. Near the end I asked him to let you be, just let you go in peace.

There is a small container holding sweet clippings of your downy soft brown hair. I opened it but just looked, I didn't want to disturb one piece. There is the hospital binkie that looked so big on your little face but is so small. Also in the bag is a small black puppy, donated by some caring soul and it resided in your isolette with you. Cards from family and the hospital staff offering condolences and caring words. A beautiful gift from a stranger who heard our story, a pair of pristine white booties, hand crocheted and delivered by a ward member who loves us.

Tears began to fall, my glasses catching the drops. I stopped and put the contents back in the container. I wanted to share this with your father, so tonight, after we visit your grave we will spend some time honoring you, refreshing our reserves and our memories of you.

I remember. I remember the pain, the joy, the heartache and the journey. I remember you. I love you and cannot wait for our reunion.

Love, Mom

I am alive.

And well. I haven't felt the blogging desire lately and have nothing new to report. I am 10 weeks along and feeling relatively good. Tired for sure! I am in bed by 9pm every night and could take a nap everyday if I didn't have to work. I have no desire to really cook anything and my cooking blog has been neglected. Sorry.

Yesterday Phil and I went to Camden's grave site and set up chairs and enjoyed the sunshine and cool weather. After tidying his headstone we each read in our scriptures and reflected on our would be almost 3 year old. It is hard to imagine and slowly he is fading from my memory. I don't want it to happen but time has certainly lessened the pain and reality. I can conjure up real emotion and heartache if I want to delve into such things, but now is not the time.

All in all, it was a nice way to spend an Easter afternoon, pondering the time when we will meet again. Giving thanks for a Savior who makes such a reunion possible. I am truly grateful.

All in the Details

First to preface the details: I took photos of my nephew in December while my family was visiting and I just barely finished editing them. Why? Because I am a slacker and my sister never asked for them, so they sat on my computer and I worked on them a little at a time. Finally, I finished them and it was oh so convenient timing that I had my ultrasound the same day. Motivation to get them in the mail! I scanned the ultrasound pictures onto the disc and placed them at the end of the pictures of Kash so my mom would happen upon them.

My mom finally got her package. It arrived Tuesday but she was under the weather with the flu and a migraine, so the package waited. And waited. So did I. I tried several times to get ahold of her with no avail. Finally on Thursday we connected and I asked if she had received the package and had looked through the pics. She said she had been sick and hadn't. So I encouraged her to look at them and then call me when she is done. She was going to take a nap first and we ended our conversation.

20 minutes later she calls me back and is oh so happy to see this:



So there you have it! We are pregnant with twins and I am currently 8 weeks along. Just barely and almost embarrassingly too soon to share but with so many people supporting us we are sharing our good news.

I am feeling fine; the standard tiredness and occasional mild nausea which is okay on most days but today is worse. I didn't get sick with Camden and with these two little peanuts I am just experiencing general stomach unease, nothing big or worth complaining about. And I have waited so long to be able to do this so I am taking it all in and "enjoying" it.

I know you are all wondering if these babies are "natural". Yes, they are our mini-me's but we did take advantage of our insurance coverage and we pursued fertility treatment. I spent too long peeing on sticks and "trying", "relaxing", planning and coordinating what comes so easily to others. I don't believe in blind faith and am surely not patient enough to wait around for something to happen if I can assist in making it happen. So we ponied up for the long and arduous process of fertility.

Below is just a sample of the myriad of drugs that I administered to myself in pills, creams, and the lovely injections, sometimes up to 4x/day. This is just the first shipment of drugs during my initial cycle to stimulate and produce lots of eggs. And I did!

If you have never experienced infertility then count yourself blessed and be thankful for that. I would not want to wish it on anyone. I was especially having a hard time since we got pregnant with Camden right away and then our entire journey with him was plagued with heartache and trial. He never came home. I just want to be able to bring a healthy baby home. We tried for almost 2 years after Camden to get pregnant and nothing was happening. We both checked out healthy and there is still no apparent cause for my infertility.

I started last summer the process of IVF. We did 3 rounds and were successful with our last try. I am still giving myself shots in the rear with a 22 gauge 1-1/2" long needle. I have the knots and bruises to remind me of what I have done to get this far. And I am so grateful it has worked, so grateful I have been given the chance to experience motherhood on this earth again.

Henderson or Bust!

It is official. We are going to Henderson for SURE. We received the kick in the pants email from Phoenix campus this afternoon. Another big fat NO!

But we are okay. We are starting the arduous process of finding a home in Henderson and are excited and oh so nervous to take a ride on the crazy train called medical school. Add to the mix a pregnancy that is due in November and it only gets better! Right?!

*Once my mom gets her package in the mail I will post more details on the pregnancy. I promise. Many thanks on the congrats so far. We are excited too!

Name this post...

A few that come to my mind:

• It's about dang time!
• My turn!
• Hallelujah!
• (Run around screaming)
• Suh-weet!
• Tears of joy.
• Prayers of gratitude.
• And God remembered Heather.
• The list goes on...

Your thoughts?

**Oh, don't tell my mom. Her secret package is coming in the mail. SURPRISE!

Med School Update

We heard from U of A Tucson this week. Big fat rejection. So, needless to say we will not be gracing them with our amazing presence this fall. Oh well, such is life! We will hear from U of A Phoenix the "week of the 23rd". We are not banking on anything but it sure would be mighty convenient seeing as we live here and would enjoy in-state tuition.

As it stands now we are gearing up for a move to Henderson, Nevada this summer. We will be renting our house here in Mesa. Know anyone? Send them our way for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage cul-de-sac beauty all for $1050/month. Much obliged.