Monday, January 25, 2010

So Blessed

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Two beautifully simple* blessings.

*Phil asked me what I wanted him to say and I briefly contemplated telling him to throw in the usual LDS stand-bys, i.e: temple marriage, mission, etc. But then I told him to just listen to the Spirit. The result was two perfect succinct blessings promising sweet strong testimonies and healthy bodies. If one has a testimony doesn't the rest follow?

Two happy proud parents.

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Lots of family to love and support us.

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One exhausted yet exuberant mother. Two exhausted and cranky pants babies, who happen to look adorable. First time to 8am church as a family of FOUR.

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Sweet details. Hand crocheted Amish booties and one hand crafted bracelet.

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Kate's

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One mean photograph insistent mother. One irate and protesting daughter. One uninterested son.

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A still furious Kate and Max wondering if there really is something to be worried about.

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After a necessary break to restore peace Kate tells me 5 minutes.

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My easy going Max.

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Two perfect blessings.

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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Musings on Motherhood

It is funny how once a crisis passes the memory of the event softens and fades. You don't recall how hard it really was and instead you are already focusing on the current crisis ruing the day. This has never been truer for me. Stress is my constant companion as I am navigating the rocky road of motherhood. It is ingrained in me to strive for perfection. To perform a task to the letter and by the book. This is only to my detriment I am learning.

Breastfeeding twins was my constant goal during the early weeks of Max & Kate being home. I pumped endlessly to maintain my supply and give them the best I had. I stressed over my output, hoarding away bag after bag of precious milk in the freezer while keeping a current stash in the fridge for the daily feedings. I stressed over getting Kate to latch, I worried she didn't "like" me and that she would never learn. I worried that I would have to pump forever. Then came time to regulate my supply so I could cut ties with the trusty Medela that helped me provide for my children. With that came more stress of course and frantic middle of the night emails to my friend Kathryn, fellow mother of twins (twice!) and the lactation consultant.

Well, we finally made the transition to full-time breastfeeding and I haven't used a pump unless I want to or an outing requires it (ie: recent photo shoot). It isn't painful anymore! The kids are quite proficient and the proof of our success is measured each month we visit the doctor. Crisis resolved!

Then it was on to Max and his spit up and the kids' perceived colic. So I obsessed and researched and concluded that I needed to cut out dairy. The spit-up remains but I am okay with it now. That is just our life. That and laundry. Oh the laundry!

He still seems happy but I am beginning to wonder if it is indeed reflux, there are times the boy will crawl up me writhing in discomfort, crying with his hoarse little voice. A trip to the doctor will ease my mind I hope and I am going to request that both kids be placed on an antacid. Kate is now being fussy when nursing, she pops on and off and rarely feeds longer than 10-12 minutes. She also swallows a lot as though she is trying to keep her milk or spit-up down.

Now my current obsession and seemingly life-long goal is sleep. Sleep for them and sleep for me. Oh how glorious the day will be when we all sleep a stretch longer than 2.5 hours at night! I was hoping to achieve this milestone with the help of Babywise or our family interpretation of it. We still aren't there. I wonder if we will ever get there. I have checked out every sleep book from the library and pored over each one. They all seem to have the same themes and to be honest I am not such a fan of crying it out especially when my babies are so little.

Slowly I am releasing my tight grasp on perfection. The house surely doesn't resemble perfect. My bed is the ultimate "clean drawer" as load after load of laundry is dumped on the bed day after day, each day I tell myself I will get to it. And each day I fall short and another load is added to the masses. I don't get to shower everyday, spend most of my time in my jammies, hair in a pony and with my glasses on sans make-up. And usually I am okay with this.

My sister-in-law asked me how I was doing with twins, if it was harder than I thought? I confidently told her that all in all I am doing just great. Sure its hard but I don't know any different. And then I proceeded to tell her that it isn't hard enough that I feel like I can't handle it.

I would like to retract that statement! This is HARD! Yes, I still feel like I can handle it but some days I do not handle it with grace and some days I am grumpy. Most days all I "handle" is just the kids. Forget dinner, forget the house, forget myself, and Phil has surely been on the short list lately. I hate being in a constant fog due to the lack of sleep and whatever "naps" (ha!) I get are not restorative. But again, this too shall pass. I know that what is hard now will soon be a soft fuzzy memory and something new will take its place.

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I hereby am resolving to stop obsessing. I am returning all sleep books to the library and friends. I will quit over analyzing. At least I am going to give it my best effort. Phil tells me I am driving him crazy and it is getting annoying. I don't want to be annoying, I want to be a good mother and do things right.

So. I am starting over. We will keep structure and routine in our house, with twins it is necessary and honestly I function best with a routine and I believe my kids do too. But, I am going to breathe, relax and drink deep this special crazy time. I know it goes fast and I don't want to add regret to my long list of obsessions.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Evolution of a Smile

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Max finally letting loose. Captured 12.24.2009
Love him.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Christmas Letter to Camden

Dear Son,

This year has been a happy one. You have a delightful new brother and sister, Max & Kate and they fill our home and hearts with joy and love. We are so grateful they are a part of our family and I can't wait to have all my kids together someday.

Your father has been accepted to medical school at Midwestern University here in AZ so we will be moving to the west Valley in the spring. We are excited, nervous and I am apprehensive to the changes and stresses that will be placed on our family; most of all returning to work, caring for your siblings, the home and our family all while your father is going to be under the immense load of school. We will do it. All will be well. Change is good.

The other night I was walking to bed and passed your wooden train that was out near the tree. The glow of the lights from the tree and this simple reminder of you had me in tears by the time I reached the end of the hall. Having your brother and sister with us now shows me what we have missed with you being gone. The endless nights full of quiet feedings, soft cheeks and dimpled smiles. We would have had a very excited little toddler waiting for Santa to come. And yet as I told all of this to your father through tears I was reminded again that this time is short and we shall have you once more. The true meaning of this time of year is never far and I am eternally grateful that our Savior has made it possible for our family to be eternal. For the opportunity to snuggle your softness and drink in your goodness.

We miss you. We love you.

Love, Mama

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Camden's Ornament
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Max's
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Kate's

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I should be sleeping...

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Whenever the babes are down it would be wise if I were also resting but there is always something to do and it has been almost one month since I last posted. Tsk, tsk.

These two little people are ruling my world and most days there is little time for anything else. I wouldn't have it any other way. Words cannot express how much I love them, though I am going to try.

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This boy has my heart. Look at his gorgeous eyes and luscious cheeks. Constantly the boy is barraged by my nibbles and caresses. He is sweet and for the most part pretty chill. He cries when he is uncomfortable with gas. Once the bubble has cleared he is relaxed as ever. My sweet boy spits up a lot and I don't know if it is just Max, if his little GI system is still immature, is he over eating, dairy sensitivity, on and on the list could go. He doesn't seem to be in pain though when he spits up other than the usual gas discomfort.

I was doing some research and came across some information that seemed to describe Max. He always sounds stuffy and congested though his little button nose is clear when suctioned. Persistent congestion and a lot of spit up could be indicative of dairy (or more accurately the protein in dairy) sensitivity.

It has been almost two weeks without dairy and it is hard! I shamefully admit that I haven't been 100% and had a bit of cheese with my eggs yesterday, and haven't been extreme in reading labels. I have not had any cow's milk or yogurt though instead I use soy milk and almond milk and a butter wannabe.

I am recommitting myself wholly and am now a label reader and dairy is out of the diet until further notice. But spitting up hasn't stopped the boy from gaining weight. He loves to eat! He weighed 7 pounds 5 ounces November 20th and now weighs 9 pounds 9 ounces. That is over 2 pounds in one month! Sheesh, maybe he is just over eating. He is in size 1 diapers now. Love him.

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Perhaps this is not the most flattering picture of the Princess Kate but she is darling none the less. This peanut is the apple of her daddy's eye and is my sweetie. She has started smiling and will coo and talk to you. She loves her bouncer that plays music and flashes lights and gets her arms and legs a moving! She is also a good baby and doesn't cry or fuss unless she is tired or needs to burp. Kate is our fire cracker and can fight sleep like no other. If we aren't diligent about watching her sleep cues and keeping her right on schedule she will stay up for hours. Not good! The other night she was up from 4:30 till almost 11pm! This is with me nursing her, rocking her, pacifying her, etc. She will drift into sleep and then pops her beautiful eyes right open and protests.

Kate weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces in November and yesterday weighed in at 8 pounds even. Still a peanut but progressing well. She still wears her newborn clothes and diapers and a lot of her outfits are still to big on her.

We have been doing sleep training with Babywise and I have modified it to meet our needs but still want the kids to learn to sleep on their own without props or an elaborate routine. We eat, burp, play and then when they start showing yawns and tiredness I swaddle them up and with a baby in each arm we rock for a few minutes, I sing a few songs and when they are drowsy but still awake they are placed in their crib and the idea is for them to drift to sleep on their own. We have our good days and we have our bad where I question everything I know.

Nursing is going wonderfully and they eat every 3 hours and hopefully someday they will sleep through the night. I know our schedule will pay off and the kids will get there and are benefiting from a routine. We all do.

They had the second half of their 2 month shots with the second dose of RSV shot and didn't handle them as well as last month. Max was so sore and just cried in pain whenever we touched his legs or I shifted him when nursing or burping. Kate had a low grade fever. A dose of Tylenol did the trick and today they are back to their happy selves.

Life is a blur and my days are full of constant care of Max and Kate. I have certainly adjusted to a bed full of clean laundry, cluttered counter tops and baby paraphernalia slowly overtaking my house. Dinner is a goal and I hope to be more consistent. I am inside all day more often than not and my once or twice weekly excursion is the hour long trip to the grocery store or some other errand usually on the weekend when Phil is home.

Phil is a wonderful father, very attentive and interactive with the kids. He still helps me during the night if I need it. We actually are both sleeping in the kids room since I get up with them so often, it is easier to be right there and get them before they start crying a lot and wake up more.

I am going to try and document life better. Be warned that most posts are going to be about Max and Kate. They are our life now and I have nothing more to contribute other than them at this point in time.

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We all hang out in our jammies most of the day. On our good days I am showered and at least get to swipe on some mascara, maybe some real clothes and do my hair! But all I am is a milk buffet at this point in time so I figure at least I am clean!

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Saturday, November 28, 2009

Then & Now

Then:

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Our favorite primary care nurse Ashley.

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Discharge Day! October 9th, 2009

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Max: 4 pounds 3 ounces

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Kate: 3 pounds 13 ounces

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Now:

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Max: 7 pounds 8 ounces! (Probably 8 pounds now) Chubba-lub

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Kate: 6 pounds 9 ounces

Things we do:

Eat: All. the. time! (Now we nurse!-Hooray!)

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Cry

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Sleep! Them, not us.

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Kisses, lots and lots!

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Photos

Head on over to my photo blog to take a peek at Max & Kate.