Breastfeeding twins was my constant goal during the early weeks of Max & Kate being home. I pumped endlessly to maintain my supply and give them the best I had. I stressed over my output, hoarding away bag after bag of precious milk in the freezer while keeping a current stash in the fridge for the daily feedings. I stressed over getting Kate to latch, I worried she didn't "like" me and that she would never learn. I worried that I would have to pump forever. Then came time to regulate my supply so I could cut ties with the trusty Medela that helped me provide for my children. With that came more stress of course and frantic middle of the night emails to my friend Kathryn, fellow mother of twins (twice!) and the lactation consultant.
Well, we finally made the transition to full-time breastfeeding and I haven't used a pump unless I want to or an outing requires it (ie: recent photo shoot). It isn't painful anymore! The kids are quite proficient and the proof of our success is measured each month we visit the doctor. Crisis resolved!
Then it was on to Max and his spit up and the kids' perceived colic. So I obsessed and researched and concluded that I needed to cut out dairy. The spit-up remains but I am okay with it now. That is just our life. That and laundry. Oh the laundry!
He still seems happy but I am beginning to wonder if it is indeed reflux, there are times the boy will crawl up me writhing in discomfort, crying with his hoarse little voice. A trip to the doctor will ease my mind I hope and I am going to request that both kids be placed on an antacid. Kate is now being fussy when nursing, she pops on and off and rarely feeds longer than 10-12 minutes. She also swallows a lot as though she is trying to keep her milk or spit-up down.
Now my current obsession and seemingly life-long goal is sleep. Sleep for them and sleep for me. Oh how glorious the day will be when we all sleep a stretch longer than 2.5 hours at night! I was hoping to achieve this milestone with the help of Babywise or our family interpretation of it. We still aren't there. I wonder if we will ever get there. I have checked out every sleep book from the library and pored over each one. They all seem to have the same themes and to be honest I am not such a fan of crying it out especially when my babies are so little.
Slowly I am releasing my tight grasp on perfection. The house surely doesn't resemble perfect. My bed is the ultimate "clean drawer" as load after load of laundry is dumped on the bed day after day, each day I tell myself I will get to it. And each day I fall short and another load is added to the masses. I don't get to shower everyday, spend most of my time in my jammies, hair in a pony and with my glasses on sans make-up. And usually I am okay with this.
My sister-in-law asked me how I was doing with twins, if it was harder than I thought? I confidently told her that all in all I am doing just great. Sure its hard but I don't know any different. And then I proceeded to tell her that it isn't hard enough that I feel like I can't handle it.
I would like to retract that statement! This is HARD! Yes, I still feel like I can handle it but some days I do not handle it with grace and some days I am grumpy. Most days all I "handle" is just the kids. Forget dinner, forget the house, forget myself, and Phil has surely been on the short list lately. I hate being in a constant fog due to the lack of sleep and whatever "naps" (ha!) I get are not restorative. But again, this too shall pass. I know that what is hard now will soon be a soft fuzzy memory and something new will take its place.
I hereby am resolving to stop obsessing. I am returning all sleep books to the library and friends. I will quit over analyzing. At least I am going to give it my best effort. Phil tells me I am driving him crazy and it is getting annoying. I don't want to be annoying, I want to be a good mother and do things right.
So. I am starting over. We will keep structure and routine in our house, with twins it is necessary and honestly I function best with a routine and I believe my kids do too. But, I am going to breathe, relax and drink deep this special crazy time. I know it goes fast and I don't want to add regret to my long list of obsessions.
15 comments:
Good for you! I understand the whole perfection thing. I have always wanted my house to be clean, even if it meant I spent the whole day on it after spending the day before cleaning it. Well I am sooooo over it! Life's too short and one day in the not to distant future both kids will be sleeping through the night and all this will be as you say, a fuzzy memory. You're a great mom!
You make me laugh. It is hard for everyone and most of us only have 1 baby at a time. They are still so little and you will slowly figure out what works. Max and Kate don't even know yet and that is why it is hard to figure things out. Forget about everything else and sleep when they sleep. I know it is weird to sleep during the day but girl it is the only way to keep you going. Enjoy this sweet stage when they love to be snuggled up with you and before they are talking back. Once that happens you will need to remember these memories of them so you won't strangle them.
Good Luck!
You look fantastic! Those babies are amazing, you are doing a great job.
You sound like the perfect mom to me! Those early days were so hard with just one, so I'd be amazed if you ever get anything done besides taking care of the babies and an occasional shower! And honestly, my baby is 2 and I still haven't gotten ahead of the laundry! :-) Hang in there!
Can I just say Amen!! I am so the same as you, except I'm only trying to juggle one. I have obsessed over the sleeping stuff so much. Its all I ever think about. And I just hate all of the doubt. I hate when she starts crying when I only put her down 2 or 3 hours ago and Nate asks what I want to do and I just 2nd guess myself. Do we let her cry? Do we just go try to replace pacifier? Do I feed her? Who knows!?! Not me. And I keep reading the books over and over hoping that I too will have the magical story that all of the moms in the book have and its really not happening yet. And then I get rational and I think, what so bad about just feeding her. So what if she becomes dependent on it? She will eventually sleep through the night.
I'm also glad that mine is not the only one. I was at the Pediatrician and he said, "by this point, 95% of babies are sleeping through the night." I think thats crap, but of course it made me stress even more. Oh and in regards to her waking up 2 times a night...that just started last week. Before that, it was every 1.5-2 hours. I think they eventually just get bigger and will sleep longer.
Sorry for the rambling! Just know that you're wonderful and I'm so glad that you're so honest.
Good for you. Some days my babies are fussy and I'm all in a tithy. Then I force myself to relax and wah-la, calmer babies. Then I sit there and think, was I able to calm before they stopped crying or am I calm because they stopped crying? Maybe its a little of both.
One friend of mine always said "Don't worry, be happy." And with kids, it is so true. They smell worry. (But it is a lot easier to be happy when they sleep. I pray daily for your sleep.)
AMEN SISTER ! Just sit back and enjoy the ride : ) Motherhood is such a tricky thing. We grow up babysitting and think we know everything. Then you actually have a child of your own and you feel like you know absolutely nothing. And it catches you off guard. But rest assured, you are not the only one who feels overwhelmed with trying to make sure everything is in order and running smoothly. I think we all fall into that trap. But know this : there is no such thing as order and smooth running when you have a new baby ! Just go with the flow and just like you said . . drink this experience up !
Do you want some more dinner ? I am more than happy to bring more dinner in : )
that was beautiful! i have four as you know and i have lived this way for about four 1/2 years now! i know too someday things will get back in order, the laundry will be kept up with and i guess i was just really happy to hear you say your bed is the clean drawer- i'm not the only one... whew! you look totally in your element and beautiful! your a lucky girl~
I'm still trying to figure it out too! And I only have 1! I HATE having a dirty house and dirty dishes but sometimes thats just the way it is. That picture is adorable. So cute!! I bet Max does have reflux. Kendal had it and I didn't even know. Good luck!
AMEN and AMEN!!! Reading baby books and trying to follow them to the "t" has only ever made me feel MORE frustrated and guilty. I think they are fine for "reference" but really....you mostly just have to learn by trial and error! You are doing AWESOME. My hat is off to you!!
I love how you are able to just keep the big picture in focus. It all passes, and then you'll miss the times that you were getting up ONCE :) and having such peaceful moments with the babies. I just remembered that with Logan's reflux, we started sleeping him on his stomach. I know...it sounds bad. But for a lot of reflux babies, especially if they are spitting up at night, it is actually safer. Logan started sleeping so much better within days. Carl would freak out bc he thought for sure something would happen. He just can't quite get the Dr. out of his system. Congrats on your next med school acceptance!
Good for you! I am so glad you are going to be able to relax a little. Try not to obsess (this is hard I know. You don't know how many people I annoyed with my breastfeeding obsession) You are doing the best you can do and that is all that matters. Enjoy those babies!
I am a recovering perfectionist here to spread word that letting go of perfectionism leads to a very fulfilling, satisfying life...even if it means messy counters and floors, unfolded laundry, and pb and j dinners from time to time. Incredibly liberating! We are too hard on ourselves, and each other, as women--we set unrealistic expectations for each other and then we all feel guilty for not doing as good as everyone else does. Routines are good, but allow for some flexibility, because even routines don't have to be followed perfectly! You're doing great Heather...enjoy it all!
First of all, I love that picture! You are beautiful! Second, I love how you write and describe your feelings so well. And last, Kate and Max are lucky to have a wonderful Mother. It is incredibly difficult being a mother but it is so worth it!
I love your straight-forward and honest posts. It puts things back in perspective for the rest of us. I am expecting #2 in about 3 months and am not looking forward to a lot of the things that come with a newborn, but if you can handle twins then it helps me be more positive about one. I too am a perfectionist, but I do not do well without sleep. :)
Post a Comment