I woke Thursday morning with a sleep hangover. A dull nagging ache in the back of my head, tension in my neck and shoulders. Shrill toddler screams, tantrums and the like did nothing to alleviate and set my teeth and patience on edge.
I am still seeking that elusive balance in motherhood. Juggling the needs of three physically demanding children, nurturing their minds, feeding their hearts and spirits, teaching them, loving them. It is hard. So very, very hard at times. I go through bursts of being a happy, patient, kind mom and then hit a wall and I have a trying day or two of impatience, being tense, short and just going through the motions mom.
The next day I was still a short tempered mom. Not who I want to be. Not at all. As the day progressed I felt more and more overwhelmed as I mentally reviewed all that is required of me, all that I need to do, all that I want to do.
I finally got Rhett down for a nap and contemplated sneaking one of my own. 10 minutes later Max starts crying from his room. I waited a minute or two, judging his cry to determine if I needed to intervene. He was relentless and I went in to get him. The smell of poop greeted me and I knew the nap was over. Kate popped up in her crib too. They had only been down for roughly 30 minutes. Diaper changed, bedding stripped and washed, Max's clothes changed and I had to sneak away his blanket so I could wash that casualty too. There are lots of tears involved once the blankie is realized missing. Milk, snack, playtime. Distract, distract, distract. Survive, survive, survive.
It is now after 2pm and the house is a bomb, I am emotionally spent and just not in a good mental place. I pray and ask for help, I know the answer is to focus on my kids, turn off all distractions and be present. I know that I am blessed, that my life is good. But I am still struggling with finding joy.
We pass the rest of the afternoon and Phil comes home. He asks how our day was and I well up with tears at that simple question. It all comes spilling out and he kindly listens. I blubber on about how hard it is to constantly be patient and kind, that three kids is hard, that I am sick and tired of med school, the strain it is placing on our marriage. I am tired of being poor, tired of doing the same thing day in and day out without relief. I tell him how hard it is to find time for myself; to exercise, eat right, read my scriptures, etc. As I am talking I feel stupid for complaining about my "good" life. I know that I am so lucky to have three beautiful children to care for, the opportunity to further our family through education, a husband who works his tail off for us, the choice to stay home and care for our family.
Phil tells me he gets it, he understands, he hates school too. This is a hard stage in our life but it will get better. It is lovely just to be heard and understood, to have someone listen to me spill my crowded mind and troubled heart. He tells me to just focus on the kids right now, they are most important. I agree but lament that I can't give them my best if I don't take some time to nurture myself. It is not fair to them or me.
I know that the answer is to wake early, take that time for myself, read my scriptures, exercise my body, make wise choices. And that is still hard for me. I know what I need to do and how but implementing it is a struggle. Rhett wakes 2-3 times in the night and I just can't drag my tired bones out of bed. Rather I choose not to; I know that I can and that I should just suck it up and do it.
The rest of the evening improved. Phil took the kids to the park, suggested we make popovers for dinner, he did bath time, story time and bed time while I nursed Rhett to sleep. Then we both collapsed on the couch and watched a movie together. It was nice to have some down time with him, nice that he chose me when he needed to study.
This post is not a pity party, not a boo-hoo woe is me. I know that I am so blessed, that my life is good. This season of life is hard but worth it. I know all this and I also know that it is okay to have bad days, okay to ask for help, okay to admit defeat. One of these days I hope to find that balance, hope to have it figured out. By then I am sure I will miss the littleness of my kids, the crazy, the chaos. All is well.
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11 comments:
Amen to all of the above. You are not alone!! Our lives are so similar...minus one adorable chub-of-love baby.
We will make it!! I am so glad I stalking you to the east valley.
This post is so honest and I love it. One of the great things abou you is that you are not afraid to be vulnerable and show that life is not peaches and cream all the time. One of the things that has helped me through difficult times is just to remember to lower my expectations. It sounds lame but I think that you and I are pretty similar in our desires to want to just be perfect at everything and have these perfectly structured days where we have time for all sorts of amazingthings but its just not the time and season for that. And especially not while you are nursing a baby during the night! I get it though...its sooo hard sometimes and a vent is just the best thing that you can do. And someday you will look back at this post and smile and be glad that you recorded it. Until then, just keep going one step at a time.
And not to add one more thing to your plate of things to want to do, but you just might like this clip that I love so much...especially the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nczw6xHJ0I
Sigh, been there! Hang in, and it is so so hard! I couldn't help but think as I was reading this, if you lived closer, you could just call. I could come let you take a nap, or you could come over and escape the same 4 walls. You are amazing! You do a great job! And it will get easier and be worth it!
Oh, Heather. I understand. COMPLETELY. 3 kids plus 2nd year of dental school ROCKED MY WORLD. It's hard. Really hard. I know you are doing an amazing job. ((((HUGS)))
All I can say is IT IS HARD. We feel this obligation to be grateful (which I am so very grateful) but the moment we feel anything but gratitude we feel guilty! It's a crazy cycle. I enjoyed reading this post, you are so good at putting into words and writing down how you are feeling. I love it!
One thing I have found that helps me get through tough days is having something to look forward to. Whether that's something big like a family vacation or just a Friday night date it makes a big difference.
AMEN! I'm sure I have a few of these posts in my archives. Though I hate to hear of your hard days, part of me is glad when I realize again that I'm not the only mom with these exact same thoughts and feelings.
Oh Heather you are not alone! I often find myself being the mom I never thought I would be and don't to be. It is so very hard at times to be patient especially when you are tired. I do love that you are brave enough to post REAL life. The problem is many of us are not, in return it makes feel like there are so many expectations to live up to, when in reality there are more people in our boat than we think.I love and miss you tons!
You amazing sweet girl. Isn't it amazing how we are supposed to automatically know how to make everything work and better? Motherhood is on the job training. That's what it is. Andrea makes a wonderful point that we feel guilty whenever we are pushed to our limits and we have a hard time with it. Heaven forbid that you have a hard week and express that out loud. You are doing a fabulous job even if it isn't perfect all of the time. And yes, it's okay for your kids to see mommy get mad. You are not June Cleaver and you're not on T.V. :) I felt the exact same way when I had two kids in diapers and another on the way. It's tough. It is absolutely the hardest job on the planet and don't let anyone tell you different. We are incredibly hard working, devoted,sacrificing,employees who don't get paid. We love our kids and wouldn't trade staying home with them for the world, but sometimes you have to say things as they are. You are a wonderful mom. Even if you don't get everyone dressed everyday.
Lori took the words right out of my mouth. I have found that lowering my expectations has made a huge difference. Lowering expectations is NOT throwing in the towel...it's simply making the decision to continue to make progress each and every day, instead of expecting perfection right now. Progress, not perfection. That's been my motherhood mantra. And trust me...I am FAR from perfect, but I think I can see some progress. :) Each day I find myself repenting like crazy and praying just as hard for that change of heart to happen. I love a talk by Sister Beck...can't think of the title right now, but I think it was April of 2010 Conference. She talks about how a righteous woman knows she does not have the time (and I like to add energy or patience) to do all that her heart yearns to do. She also quotes Eliza R. Snow quite a bit. The talk is filled with priceless gems and I find strength from it often.
I love that you are determined to be grateful. That will be your greatest weapon. You are simply amazing. No question about it. Keep on keepin' on and know that we're all in it together!
Can I get an Amen!?! Feeling the same way. I love your posts. Love your honesty...I know I've already mentioned that. But seriously, you hit it dead on! (And you're a wonderful writer! Such talent!) Thanks for sharing.
Oh yeah, don't know if you've been reading much? I've been reading while nursing Brooke.. (instead of getting on the computer or whatever...) helps take me away for a bit and helps keep things in perspective. Right now I'm reading the Anne of Green Gables series...lol!
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