Five Years

April 24, 2006 at 12:10pm I delivered a four pound baby boy. Camden Brown Gunnell. He was 4 weeks early because we wanted him born alive and without stress so I had a c-section. He was so little. There was no strong cry as they pulled him out. He had a team of doctors and nurses surrounding him; rubbing, suctioning, examining and encouraging, always checking vitals. Phil hovered around as close as he could to record these first precious moments on video.

Finally we hear his muted cry, it sounded like a kitten mewing, just like they said it would due to his condition. I am on the operating table behind a blue curtain, arms stretched out and shaking from the spinal block I received. A little bundle is pressed next to my cheek and soon we all head to a recovery room. He is to only receive comfort care until he passes away. There will be no heroic measures to save a little body beyond repair they told us. 

http://www.livingwithtrisomy13.org/memoriesofCamden.htm

April 26th we spend our last hours with him. 

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This morning as I read happy updates on Facebook regarding the light hearted secular side of Easter I was a bit annoyed*. Easter means so much more than bunnies, eggs and candy. Seeing that Camden's birthday falls on Easter this year I am more sensitive to this and was having a low moment missing my boy. 

Our Savior died for us and more importantly He lives for us. Because He lives, Camden lives. I know this with every fiber of my being and have wept tears of joy, gratitude and sorrow today. Joy and gratitude for the gospel because I will see our son again. Sorrow because he is not here with us now and as I watch Max and Kate grow I am reminded of all that we have missed with Camden. I know that Max and Kate would  have adored their big brother and in my heart and mind's eye I like to think that Camden would have been a tender and helpful brother to them. I know they will know him and that I will get to raise him. 

I know this. And yet, my heart still hurts and yearns. 

Happy Birthday Camden.


*I am not against celebrating the holiday with fun activities and will implement them into our own family celebrations as the kids get older. But I always want the focus to be on the Savior, the real reason we celebrate. My mom would give us our baskets on Saturday and I plan on doing the same.