The Refiner's Fire

2005 brings many things. I graduate from hygiene school, pass my boards and get AZ State's permission to practice and administer anesthesia. Joy! I can make some good bucks now! I get my first job at University Dental.

You hit school hard and think you want to be a lawyer. I do all the research and then you think you want to be a dentist. Again, I research. Wait, now you want to be a PA. Okay. I research and we start pursing the course. After shadowing a PA you decide you don't want to be always working for the "man". Why not go all the way you ask yourself? Again, I research and encourage you to pursue your dreams. You make a big commitment (finally) to become a doctor. This process has brought us into 2006. But we will come to that in a moment, still some big things for us in '05. First the requisite family picture, this time courtesy of the Gunnell clan.

The biggest news of all of 2005 is that we are pregnant!!! Hip, hip hooray! We conceived in August 2005 and let everyone know as soon as we knew the following month. I remember testing on the day my cycle was due and getting those 2 pink lines. We showed my mom via web cam and she ran screaming through her house in Utah "Heather's pregnant!!" Needless to say we weren't the only ones thrilled.

We go to the doctor and sit through the ultrasound appointment. We ooh and aahhh over the amazing life within me. The pictures are cascading down to the floor as the tech analyzes and prods my abdomen. We have no idea that a 45 minute ultrasound is not the norm. And she wasn't just being generous with the exclusive photo-op our child was getting.

We go into the examination room and await the doctor. The nurse returns with some disturbing news. Devastating really. Something is wrong. The baby has a bulging abdomen. This could be normal at this stage of development but probably not. They send us to a specialist for a higher level ultrasound. We leave, pictures in hand. We head over to your parents and you and your brother Reed give me a blessing. We cry.

A few weeks later we go to the specialist and he wants to do an amnio. We agree and we await the results. We did learn we were having a boy. We leave happy but anxious.

The nurse has been trying to contact me but kept missing me with work. She wasn't specific on the phone and I always returned home too late to call her back. Finally the doctor himself calls me at work. In the middle of the day. The results are in. It's not good. In fact it is the worse diagnosis we could receive as far as chromosomes go.

It is fatal.

I can see myself in my mind's eye as I am listening to the doctor read the lab report and tell me my child will die. In fact I should have miscarried. If he survives he will be retarded and could have all manner of physical deformities. Somehow I thank him and hang up. I collapse on the desk in the break room sobbing. My co-workers and dentist rush in to me. I tell them I can't stay and they need to reschedule my day. I drive home through bleary eyes. You are contacted and come home to a hysterical wife. You don't know yet. I tell you and together we cry.

We struggle with what to do. Doctor's tell us we should abort. I read up on it and can't fathom doing that. Besides, who are we to decide when one should live or die. We keep him.

Christmas 2005

We need to get away but are hesitant with our son's "condition" and the fact that doctors tell me we can lose him at anytime.
We go to Germany and Rome. I am 5 months pregnant. We walk all over Europe it seems and on the way find every public restroom. Note to self: don't vacay far far away without access to the loo when pregnant.

You quit your job in March of 2006 to pursue the rest of your classes at ASU.

April 24, 2006

Camden Brown Gunnell is born via c-section at 12:10pm at Good Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix at 36 weeks.

April 27, 2006

He leaves us.

I will detail Camden's story in a later post. For now you can read about us by clicking the link on the R hand side near the bottom of the blog.

I go back to work end of May-early June. 6 weeks after our son was born. You continue school. Your job is to get good grades and pump up your resume for medical school. We both work hard. I get called as YW president of our ward in August 2006. We are both shocked, even the bishop. (He was sure I was too young, but apparently the Lord thought otherwise.)

Fast forward 1 year.

Summer 2007 you graduate! Yea Phil! You now hit the books hard preparing for the beast of an exam called the MCAT. It is our ticket to med school. Do or die.



I lose the 30 pounds I gained while pregnant and 10 more that were hanging on from hygiene school. This is tough. Very tough. No benefits from nursing for me. Just the old-fashioned diet and exercise. We have waited the required "physical, emotional and psychological healing" period prescribed by doctor and have been trying to conceive-to date for one year. We are unsuccessful month after month. This hurts me. But we keep on truckin'.

I am so grateful to be your wife. I have grown since you married the 18 year old girl. We have become stronger together. Testimonies and faith cemented in our beliefs. We know we will see Camden again. He is ours. He is perfect. Now we just need to live accordingly so we can return and be with him. I want to have more babies with you. I want to stand by your side as you get your medical degree. I want to travel the world with you. I want to grow old with you and see our children grow. I want you.

And I have you. Thank you for six wonderful years. Here's to Eternity.