I haven't written in a while. I miss you. We went to your grave yesterday. It looks very nice, the grass has been trimmed and it is growing all around your headstone, they also repaired the vase. I bring a bottle of water to wash the beautiful black granite that has your name on it. I love how it glistens after I clean it and wash away the dirt and grime that collects between our visits. After we clean your grave we also wash your cousin Jonathan's. I stood after my bottle was empty and your dad and I reflected on the time that has passed. April 2006 seems so long ago and we would have a 2 1/2 year old. We stood silent for a moment, each absorbed in our thoughts. And then my thoughts started leaking out of my eyes and I began sobbing. Your dad held me tight and I continued to release my anguish as I buried my face in his neck. We miss you terribly.
Yet as much as I miss you I know that all is well. You are waiting for us and I will have the opportunity to raise you. I am grateful for this knowledge, grateful that we are an eternal family. Grateful for a loving Savior that has made all of this possible. I know I shall see you again. Sometimes I fear I am forgetting things. Forgetting the way your skin felt and how you smelled so sweet. That worries me but again, it is for naught. I needn't worry. I have pictures of you to help me remember. I remember kissing your thin little lips, they are just like your dad's. I remember your crooked little fingers, each hand with an extra digit courtesy of your T-13. Your little eyes that refused to open and your throaty cry. I love you.
Love,
Mom
21 comments:
Ahhh Heather...I cannot imagine the pain that you must feel...I hope and pray that GOD will grant you another child/children to cherish and to always uphold you in His care.
We love you Heather, and all is well. You and Phil are always in my thoughts and prayers.~ Nina
My eyes started leaking tears as I read this post. I cannot even imagin how you and all the others out there that have lost little ones must feel. I don't know what to say or do for my own daughter as she and her husband walk through their valley. Thanks to people like you and others willing to share she has support.
Oh Heather, that is beautiful. I too know that you will see Camden again and get the chance to raise him. Thank goodness for eternal families. Much love to you!
thinking a lot about you and phil... and feeling very hopeful. that was such a beautiful letter.
heather, if you don't mind... i'd like to forward this entry to rod and rachelle. i think they would appreciate knowing you take care of jonathan's headstone.
i think that was such a sweet post. i wish i could have seen the sweet little guy you love so much.
You are amazing!
What a great tribute to your sweet son.
What a sweet note to your little boy! How lucky he is to have you guys as his parents. You won't foget, a mother never forgets her childrens little traits. How nice to get to go see his grave. What a special time between you, Phil and Camden.
Thanks for sharing. I always cry when you talk about Camden. Thanks for your strong testimony and outlook on life...it definitely has been a blessing for me.
What an amazing day that will be. I am so excited for you.
what a sweet post. I am glad you were able to visit the grave sight and spend some time reflecting. You are amazing Heather. I know I always say that, but it is true. Thank heavens for the gospel. We would be lost without it.
Oh Heather! My deepest condolences to you and Phil. You are such an amazing person with such a strong testimony.
As I said earlier I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I was thinking about Camden while we were at the cabin this last weekend. I love reading your letters to him.
Oh, and dinner would be great:) How about this weekend sometime?
Oh, by the way, this Andrea. I just realized I was signed into Jared's accout:)
My hear aches for you whenever I think about your little man. I can't even imagine how it must feel to loose your baby, it's something I pray I never have to experience. We are so lucky we know this life is not the end, what a miracle the forever family is!
I can never get through a Camden post without my eyes welling up. He is such a handsome, sweet boy and it will be such a blessed day when you three (and the rest of your future babies) will be able to reunite. You make people stronger through your struggle and help teach us all how to have a little more faith. You are amazing!
The way you express your love to Camden in these blog posting letters is...well there's no word to describe it. It's an obviously love, ache and walk of faith. You are an amazing Mom even though you're separated for now, I can't imagine how awesome & full of love you'll be when you get to hold him again. Here's a hug from me *HUG*
I think it is amazing that you write Camden letters. What a good way to get out your feelings that is healthy. What an experience/trial to go thru as such a young married couple. I find those trials bring you closer together and closer to the Lord. You both have obviously done that. Hang in there!
Heather, my name is Candice (Carpenter) Bairn, I've been friends with your husband Phil since elementary school. I know your cousin Cassie too, I watch Erick while she is at work with you.
I randomly found your blog from Tiffany Matthews, who is my old roommate.
So now that you kinda know who I am....
I just wanted to comment on your post and say that I found it to be so heartfelt and sweet, and I can't stop crying. It was so touching and I can't imagine how hard this was for you to have to bury your sweet little boy. I honestly don't have anything to say to try and tell you things will be OK or to try to give you comfort. I know it may have been 2 1/2 years ago, but I also know that your heart aches everyday. I've had 2 babies that were close to me die shortly after birth and they were the hardest deaths to deal with. I also have a little sweet baby of my own, and that makes it feel even closer to my heart, knowing I can hold her, while other like you and Phil aren't able to, but want so badly to hold hold your baby. I'm just so sorry and my heart goes out to you and Phil, as do my prayers.
What a sweet letter and testimony you shared with all of us. As I was reading I couldn't help but think of how lucky your Camden is to have you and Phil as his parents. On a lighter note, good for you on being sugar free. I need to follow your lead!
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