I have touched on this before but I am going to revisit it again. There are days I feel like I am drowning. It is all I can do to keep my head above water with these little kids, three of them by the way. Three under 3. Help!
Lately my patience seems to teeter on the edge and I lose control more often than I care to admit, certainly here on this ol' public blog. I am snappy, snarky and often unkind in voice and action and after my outburst I feel shameful and hate myself. This behavior feeds into a vicious cycle and I feel like I am unable to get a firm grasp on steadier ground.
It isn't all bad and we certainly have happy moments but at night when I replay the day as I am lying in bed the grumpy, sad moments take precedence. I take complete responsibility for my actions but I know that they are heavily influenced by my lack of sleep. This one simple requirement turns out to be vital for my well-being. I do not properly care for myself in regards to exercise of body and nourishing my Spirit. I turn to food in moments of stress and grab quick carbs to keep me going. This feeds my dissatisfaction with my present physical state, which in turn touches every aspect of my life. It is a nasty, downward spiral. I know how to get out but seem to lack the motivation, energy and time. Even then I know it is a matter of priority and the kids always come first.
Rhett is up 2-3 times at night and it is time to get serious with sleep training. I cannot function any longer and be my best me. It isn't fair to anyone in our family and I know that the babe is capable. I have enabled some bad habits and it is going to be rough on both of us as we work on breaking them. But I know it will be worth it in the end.
Those Amazon.com smiles show how we feel about moving: happy-sad.
Packing is in full swing. Boxes are lining the garage wall and littering the hall. The house is cluttered, chores delayed or ignored. There are times when I feel in complete control of our upcoming move, lists are made and items checked off. And then I look at the calendar, we have 22 days! Get a move on girl! I am most productive when the kids are all asleep and last night packed up a few kitchen cupboards. I have stopped shopping for our regular grocery items, only fresh dairy and produce. Meals are planned around the meats in the freezer so it will be empty come April 25th. It is strangely satisfying to me to finish up a box of cereal, jar of jam, a bottle of lotion, etc. in light of our move. It makes me feel more organized and efficient as I am packing to know that we aren't bringing along nearly empty items. But then I also remind myself that we are moving across town, not cross-country and surely an extra box of pantry items isn't going to matter. I also lay in bed at night mentally setting up our house, organizing the new play area for the kids, day dreaming of redecorating with our nonexistent budget.
I got my camera back and I feel more complete. The weight of it in my hands feels so familiar and wonderful to me, a piece of me was missing with it gone. Sounds silly but it is true for me. I have things to write about, life to document but packing and exhaustion supersede.
I am putting a lot of hope into our move back home. For some reason I feel that life is going to get easier when we return? This is surely false but I still cling to it. Phil will be starting rotations mid-summer and that will be wonderful for us all, but mostly for him. I know he will be happier and feel more productive applying the knowledge he has worked so hard to attain these past two years and also gaining more clinical experience. Rhett will be in his own room! I want to get a treadmill and establish an exercise routine. Our Talbot house has a bit more storage and I feel like order will help tame the crazy around here. But that all rides on my shoulders so I'd better get busy. But perhaps after a nap, this mama is tired.
13 comments:
I adore you, and I find so much strength in your words. I too am calculating a big move in my head. We haven't been married that long, so we haven't accumulated a lot...but I feel like our furniture has multiplied by a million since having a baby. Hats off to you. Hats off to us. Let's hope for a more balanced life!
You and me? Same lives. Except I have done the adjustment to the chaos of three. So although I feel much the same as you right now...my sliver of light at the end of the tunnel is a bit brighter because I know from experience that I won't feel like this forever. (((hugs)))
Thanks for writing about my life :) I hope you don't feel diminished that other people feel they are in that exact same place. We're moving much farther out (and have just barely decided where) but I'm there! ... minus the sweet baby.
Recently I was on a medication for a week and a half that turned me into an emotional wreck. I had NO patience and my kids took the brunt of it. I had to remind myself that I'm not the sum of all these horrible actions over the span of 10 days. I'm more than that. So are you. And I know you know that, but sometimes it's nice to hear someone else say it. This schooling phase is SO tough. Who was it that gave the talk in conference on single mothers? A seventy, I think. I commented to Ted that it wasn't just applicable to single moms, but also those who sometimes feel that way. So excited for Ted to be done with school and to move... because surely life will be perfect then. And of course, that's not true. But it never hurts to have something to look forward to in the bad times, as long as we somehow still appreciate the now, too.
:)
I'm a blog stocker and I just wanted to say hang in there. Hopefully listening to conference talks while packing helps give you the strength to keep moving forward. The Baby Whisperer helped me find sleep and sanity. (0: My library had a copy, maybe yours does too. Not that you have much time to read, but maybe you can get a little read while you are up with the little one.
Hang in there my friend. Sleep training and thus more sleep will do wonders for you. So my best guess is in that regard life will be easier when you get here! Don't be too hard on yourself. We all do the best we can. If you could have done better in that moment, you would have.
I wept as I read your words. Not because I feel sorry for you but because I know those feelings so intimately, and I know the longing and feelings of desperation that accompany them. It is not a pleasant place to be. And the lack of motivation to do anything about it? Well, that just lays the guilt trip on even thicker!
It sounds like you already know what needs to be done...and I think most of us usually know...it's just making ourselves do it that's the hard part. We worry that we won't have enough time, enough energy. But really, we can't afford not to do it...and almost always, the energy expended in doing it comes back to us two-fold. I don't know how it works exactly, but I know it does.
Just a reminder that I think you're amazing. And a proposition that we have a lunch date once you are settled in the East Valley and I am up there visiting some time in the future.
Even though I will be sad that you guys won't live close anymore, I think this move will be such an awesome thing for you. Just the medicine for what's ailing you.
Sometime when we're out there, we'll have to come visit you guys after you get all settled!
You are my favorite, for lots of reasons--but right now it's for your ability to be honest! And I am a little mad because you never answered my question I asked you the other day via text!! I will be giving you a call tomorrow!:)
Hang in there life will get easier because you will learn each day how to better cope. Some times you do just have to stop and take a nap. Enjoy your little ones they grow fast.
I am amazed at how eloquent you are about your feelings. I wish that I had had a blog to voice my frustrations and triumphs on. You are wonderful and those babies are beautifully taken care of. Cut yourself some slack. Don't be too hard on yourself anymore. Doing the best you can is all anyone can ask, and if you fall short that's ok because your're only human right now. Amazing thoughts of energy, patience, and love coming your way!
Goodness your plate is so full. But I just read through these comments that people have left you and everyone just adores and loves you. I read these posts and I have this guilt because I sit here feeling completely underwhelmed with my life. I am constantly feeling like I need to do more. I do think that your move is going to be a good thing. Mostly because once Rhett is in his own room and able to really be sleep trained and you actually get your sleep, everything will seem more manageable. I think about how difficult those days of sleep training were and I dont envy you. And then hopefully everything else will fall into place (the working out, the eating, blah blah blah those things are always there). Hang in there with the move. Moving is the worst!
PS you are beautiful in your top picture. I think you were trying to portray that you are tired and worn down but I looked at it and thought "i wish I looked that cute when Im just home and have no where to go."
Oh Heather, I hear ya Babe!
My advice on moving is to allow other people to help you! When we moved to Texas I hated asking people to help watch the kids and I wore myself out. I pretty much packed the whole house myself since Ryan was gone and did it with Kyle and carter (who of course was up 6-8 times a night then). I wish I asked for someone to watch the kids more often, but I was stubborn and thought I "could do it all"! Ya right. That is what friends are for.
You are beautiful!
I so know where you are coming from! Residency has been so hard, and a few months ago I really let it all build up on me. I honestly don't think that I let a day go by without yelling at my kids for at least a month. Then one day I was picking up my oldest from school and we were walking back to the car with one of her friends. The friend told me that Alyssa had said that I was a mean mom because I yell too much. It absolutely broke my heart! Is that how she sees me? So, I made myself a sticker chart and I made myself accountable to my husband. (He came from a family that never, ever yelled and he is the most patient man ever. Totally the opposite of my famiy.) But, each day he got to see how patient I had been. It helped a ton!! I knew, deep down, that I was capable of more. I knew that I wasn't taking advantage of the Lord's help. The more I yelled, the less my mind could think of any other way to handle a situation. I was so miserable! To help me earn my stickers, I decided that I would always get down on my knees and talk to them at eye level. And, I asked them to come and give me hugs anytime that I wasn't talking nicely. I've done so much better, and everything feels easier. From all your other posts, I gotta back what everyone else has said. You are doing a great job. It's always good to be honest and fair, but don't forget to be merciful to yourself too. I remember loving third year, for the most part. I loved hearing the stories from work, and I loved that his schedule mixed up a lot and we could take advantage of really random times together. And I loved that everything was broken up into smaller increments of time, so it all went by so fast. The rest of med school is totally downhill from here. You've made it through the worst---Life is definitely going to get better from here!!!
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